One Fat Chick's Journey to Health

Work in Progress

2011-02-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

Hi. I know it's been quite a while. Kinda lost me again. Dealing with depression, a new job, my husband and kids...you know "life". And during that time, I forgot to take care of me. Actually, I didn't forget. I just plain didn't want to. See, that is the thing with depression. It makes me feel like I just don't matter. So, I skip exercising, eat a bunch of crap, and feel more miserable every day. Every single day is a fight...one I keep losing. Losing to the tune of a 10 lb gain. Yep, I gained weight back. Big surprise, huh?...No not really. I tend to do that. Get bored, get depressed, and lose focus on my goals. But the up side is that it's only 10 lbs and not the full 50 I lost. Or God forbid, even more. Been there and done that too.

But, now I'm feeling a little better. Not sure why. Maybe those crazy chemicals in my brain have gotten straightened out for a bit. Maybe I'm feeling more comfortable in my new job. Maybe the stars have aligned just right. Who the heck knows? All I truly know is that I need to take advantage of this feeling while I've got it.

I've changed things a little. Trying to shake up my routine and make this journey exciting again. I've cancelled my WW membership. Yeah, I know, I know. I kept extolling the virtues of WW and I did love it. But I'm not too keen on their new plan and just couldn't seem to wrap my head around it. I've moved on to a new and pretty straight forward plan. I'm going to burn more calories than I eat in a day. Yep, really complicated, huh?...LOL But that is basically what losing weight boils down to, right? I'm using an online site called Lose It (www.loseit.com). It's free (yippee!!) and my cousin-in-law, Jon, has been using it and is doing really well. I mean really, really, really well. Over 50 lbs and counting. Go Jon!!

Back to the website. It's really easy to use and it's sort of like a social network. You can add "friends", make comments, etc. It's great for motivation and support.

I've also changed up the exercising. I just can't seem to keep to a schedule these days. Let's face it, "Mom" always comes last and finding time for myself is really difficult. The more I tried to structure my exercise routine, the more depressed I got each time I missed it and eventually just said "Forget it." So easy to do say. Way too easy for me to say and do. The change I'm making is to exercise when I can using the Wii. Not on a schedule but when I can squeeze it in. And I've added bike riding to my routine. I recently acquired a beautiful black and pink beach cruiser. I just love it and the benefits of bike riding far exceed the physical for me. I take off down the street and I feel all the stress just fall off my shoulders. I feel free and like a kid. Even if just for 10-20 minutes. I forgot how much I loved riding bikes when I was a kid. I did it all the time and that sort of just went away as I got older. Now I'm rediscovering the pleasure of bike riding. And doing it in style on my cruiser. :-)

So, that's the latest and greatest with me. I'm trying still. But as a friend recently reminded me, it is a life change not a quick fix. And I am most definitely just a work in progress.

New Year - Same Old Journey...LOL

2011-01-04T18:31:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you had a wonderful holiday season. I know I did and the scale can attest since I have gained 2 lbs over the holidays. And I'm okay with it. I admit I had some candy and cookies..okay, I had a lot of candy and cookies. And every single bit was delicious. The holiday season is baking season in my family. All my aunts, my mom and this year even I hit the kitchen. I was able to pass on the family tradition of decorating sugar cookies to my children and even tried out a new recipe for Cracker Candy. To die for!! I can't seem to get through Christmas without having some goodies and quite frankly I don't want to. It's part of our tradition and it's usually items that I only get to have once a year. So, I'm giving myself a pass. It was only 2 lbs which considering the circumstances, isn't that bad.

On to the new year and the continuation of this journey! I'm hoping to lose an additional 100 lbs this year. Yep, that is my goal. It may be lofty but I'm going to try. We are planning a trip to Disneyland the week after Christmas and I'd love to be able to get on all the rides without freaking out or worrying if I'll fit the whole time. I want to be able to really enjoy myself and enjoy the time with my family. Being healthy and in better shape will definitely make that possible.

I'm also going to do the Wharf-to-Wharf in Santa Cruz on July 24th with my Mom and my sister. Another goal I want to meet and something else to strive towards. I'm still trying to convince the hubby to do it with me....maybe....

I've started fresh this week. The holiday munchies are gone and forgotten. I'm back on my WW again and today I restarted (again!) my 3 week challenge on EA Sports Active 2. I'm going to work out 4 days a week again. Yep, I know. "Here she goes again." But as long as I keep restarting and don't give up, I'm on my way to winning the battle. I've finally figured out a way to fit exercise nto my schedule now that I'm working outside the house again. It took forever but it's finally working out. Seems like I lost some of my time management skills while I was unemployed. Really didn't have to worry about time when I had plenty of it..LOL

I'll check back in on Saturday when the scale comes to call! Have a fun week!

50 lbs GONE!!!

2010-12-18T10:46:00.000-08:00

Imagine my delight and surprise when I got on the scale and read the number 294! Most people would not be happy with that number but since I started at 344, I'm thrilled! 50 lbs of fat is gone, gone, gone! I'm over the moon excited and feel like everything is coming together for me lately.

I started a new job on Monday after 13 months of unemployment. I really love this job so far and I'm so much happier than I have been since I started working again. The stress is gone which allows me to enjoy my life and my family again.

I'm still working on getting exercise back into my schedule. It's really hard now that I'm working especially since I have to cook dinner, clean the kitchen and get the kids ready for bed by 8pm each night. I want to start getting up early in the morning so I can exercise before work. It's just really hard because I do love my sleep. But I also know that exercising is really important and I need to make time for it. And by making time for exercising, I'm making time for ME!

Here are my goals for the upcoming week:

Get up early and exercise Monday through Thursday
Take it easy on the Christmas cookies and candies
Limit my egg nog intake this year to just Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (I do love egg nog!)

And most importantly, enjoy the holidays and being with my family.

My next weigh-in day is Christmas morning so I may be late with the update. I'm sure you can all forgive me...LOL

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays my friends! Love to you all!

Back In the Saddle

2010-12-08T12:24:00.000-08:00

This week I finally had a loss again. 3 lbs gone!! I'm so excited! Looking back at this week, I can see where I did make some improvements in my eating and exercise routine that would account for the weight loss. I also know I wasn't perfect about eating and went over my WW points on quite a few days so the potential to do better is definitely there.

The new WW PointsPlus system is HARD!! Maybe it would be easier if I hadn't been doing their previous system and came into this fresh. Right now, I'm just having a hard time adjusting my thinking on point values for food. I had pretty much a set idea of what I could eat and how much of it but that has all changed. Now, I have to check all point values again and measurements to make sure I'm doing everything right on this program. While it is soooo hard to change, I think this is exactly what my body needed so I can get back in the saddle and continue my journey. I needed to shake it up and boy did I...LOL

Also, my new exercise game, EA Sports Active 2, is super hard. I'm definitely working out harder than I did on the earlier versions. Lots of jumping in this one which is definitely not a favorite of mine. Do you know how much effort it takes to move 296 lbs up in the air?..LOL Trust me, it's a lot! But I am doing it and the results are speaking for themselves with my 3 lbs weight loss.

Now the holidays are approaching and I have to keep this up so I'm ready for them. Good luck to all of you on your journey during this holiday season!

Thanksgiving Landed on My Butt...Literally

2010-12-01T08:48:00.001-08:00

Today's weigh-in wasn't a happy moment. I've gained 2 lbs. Pretty annoyed with myself but not all that surprised. I was an eating fool over Thanksgiving and now I'm paying the price.

But I won't let this setback deter me. I'm back on plan and going to stay there! Hopefully, after a full week on the new WW plan and exercising, I'll have a significant weight loss next week. I went grocery shopping yesterday and stocked up on lots of delicious fruits, veggies and healthy snacks so I'm fully armed and ready for battle!!

Recharged

2010-11-29T15:28:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone. You may have noticed that it's been about 4 weeks since my last post. I took a break from everything. Eating healthy, exercising, blogging...all of it. A friend of mine put it best when I explained it to her. She said that I needed to "recharge" and that's how I feel. I was getting bored. Everything felt stagnant and I was ready to quit all together. The plan was to take two weeks off to get my head together. Those two weeks stretched into 4. I was having a hard time finding my enthusiasm for this journey I started. I needed to reassess my goals and my life. To "recharge"

I did and I decided that it is a journey that I just can't afford to cut short. I need to keep going. The amount of weight I lost so far is a huge amount and I don't want to lose the progress I've already made. I figured that I better get back into those good habits now before the Christmas holiday starts. Because I love all those holiday cookies and candies. Ohmigosh, the fudge alone will kill me..LOL

Now the good news is that during my 4 week break, I didn't gain anything. I actually lost a pound!! I think that was just that some of the habits I had learned during my journey stuck with me even when I didn't want them.

Today I started the new WW program call PointsPlus. It's different and is really promoting protein over carbs now. Good point is that fruit is now 0 points. Yippee!! But it will be an adjustment because all of the high fiber items I was eating at 1 point each are now 3 points. But, you know, this may be the best thing for me. It will force me to change the way I eat and shake up my metabolism. And I could really use that! I mean, who couldn't, right?..LOL

I also started the EA Sports Active 2 game for the Wii today. My sister, Shawna, and brother-in-law, Victor, shelled out the $99 to buy me that for my birthday. Isn't that the sweetest thing?!! This version of the game comes with a leg band and an arm band that track your movements which frees your hands up. No more controllers and wires to get in the way. So happy!! You do have to use the controller on just a few of the 70 plus exercises the game offers but I can live with that. It's a huge improvement over the previous version. And to top it off, the arm band contains a heart monitor. You can watch your heart on the TV with the game. You can also workout with people online, join workout groups online, etc. It's a whole new world of exercise and I'm so excited about it.

It seems to me that the new WW plan and the new game came out at just the right time. I needed a change. I needed motivation. I needed something to shake me up and I think they will do it.

Don't you all think a 10 lbs loss for Christmas sounds like a great present from Santa?

Bite Me Halloween!!

2010-11-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

I actually forgot to weigh in yesterday. Truly forgot. What does this mean? Am I giving up already? Has this lost some importance in my life? Am I over this journey? Nah, I think it just meant I was busy worrying about being unemployed, money, my son getting in trouble in preschool and all the other normal day to day worries of the average woman.

But back to the weight issue. I gained 2 lbs!! Ugh. So annoyed. And I blame Halloween ergo the title of this post...LOL I love sweets and having candy around the house is definitely proving too tempting to resist. So I have a new deal with myself...no more than two small pieces of chocolate a day until it is gone. That's it. I have to learn to live with having tempting treats around and not eating them all at once.

I've been reminded that it could be water retention. I haven't been good when it comes to drinking my water so I'm getting back on that again.

Boils down to this: I lost the 2 lbs before and I can do it again. It's just a bump in the road on this journey..not the end.

Now let's hope that Hubby eats all the candy quickly!! LOL

My Fashion Angel

2010-11-01T16:34:00.000-07:00

If you have ever lost weight, you know the joy of buying new, stylish clothes in a smaller size. The feeling of euphoria that washes over you when you can easily button those smaller jeans. The smile that lights up your face when you try on a dress that isn't an A-line (nothing wrong with the A-line..just tired of it when it is the only cut that looks okay on me!). That sweetest moment when you get to say to the salesperson "May I see this in a smaller size?" Oh, I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

When you lose a lot of weight and go down many, many sizes, you get to have that joy numerous times. Usually that is the part I can't wait for, the part I'm longing for, and the part that makes it all worthwhile. I know, I know. You are all saying "Isn't better health, playing with the kids, and all that stuff you've been spouting off about more important?". Well, yes, to a point..LOL But when you love clothes as much I do, new clothes is what makes my little materialistic heart flutter. Not to mention that you have a great excuse to buy them that even the most frugal of husbands can't argue. Unless, of course, he wants you to walk around naked. But Lady Godiva, I ain't! LOL

Unfortunately, I haven't been as excited about that part during this journey. It's hard to get excited about wearing smaller clothes when you know that you just can't afford to buy new ones. I'll just have to wear the clothes I've held on to that are either really worn already, completely outdated or just not "I'm-smaller-let's-celebrate-new". I've been unemployed for a year on the 13th of this month. It really sucks because we can't afford a lot of things we used to be able to buy when I was working. And new clothes fall way down on the list of necessities. I have kids that need new clothes and they always come first.

But my own little Fashion Angel has shined a little light down on me. A friend of mine, another "fat chick", is on a journey of her own. She has always been smaller than me and is dropping down a size or two ahead of me. She sent me an e-mail and asked if I wanted the clothes she is no longer able to wear. I jumped on that offer because she has always been stylish so I know the clothes will be cute. And while they aren't brand-new with tags, they are new to me! I love me some hand-me-downs. Especially when they are nice, stylish hand-me-downs from my very own Fashion Angel.
I'm so excited!! I have something to look forward to as I drop weight. Another goal to strive towards! And I won't have to worry about what I'm going to wear as I lose weight and just enjoy the journey. Plus, I can put a little money toward things like new undergarments. Let me just say that big panties are so annoying!! LOL

To my Fashion Angel (and you know who you are) thank you so much for sharing this journey with me...and your closet! Mwah!!

1 lb Gone!

2010-10-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

I lost a pound this week and I consider myself very lucky. While I've been exercising, my eating choices haven't been that great. The fact that I lost at all shows me (once again) how important exercise is to reaching my goal. I'm going to add jogging in a couple of times a week when I take my kids to the park. I did it yesterday and while it was a pretty short distance, I just have to remind myself that it is one small step towards my goal. Each week, it will get longer and I will get better.

As for the eating portion, I'm working really hard to get back into the groove when it comes to tracking everything I eat...even the "BAD" things.

How is everyone else doing with their eating habits? Are you all able to keep up with tracking everything? I'd love to hear some tips and stories!

The Corn Maze

2010-10-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

This last Sunday we took the kids to the Banducci's Family Pumpkin Patch. What a gorgeous place!! They have pumpkins every where, of course, but they also setup great little areas for photos. We were able to get some fantastic photos of the kids and even a few of ourselves. Yep, I was voluntarily in a few pictures. It's getting a little easier each time. And the best part? Well, I could actually see a difference this time. I could see that I was a little smaller. And what a motivator that is!! Check it out for yourself! The pic on the left is from Christmas 2009 when I was at my heaviest, 344 lbs. The pic on the right is from Sunday after losing 45 lbs. I can really see a difference and maybe taking a picture now and then can be helpful!

We took the kids through the corn maze a few times which is a first for me and quite frankly something the "old" me would have avoided like the plague. I didn't try to avoid it this time and was actually looking forward to it. Something fun that we could do as a family! We let the kids take charge and pick which paths to go down. It was a blast and it will definitely be a new family tradition. And guess what? After 30 minutes of walking in the corn maze , I was the only one who wasn't tired or hurting!!! The kids were tired and hubby said his hips were hurting. Me? I was actually okay. I wasn't tired. Nothing hurt. Pretty damn awesome, huh? I sure was smiling in the car on the way home because I felt really good about me and the progress I'm making. I may be getting there slowly but I'm definitely on my way!

Reality Check

2010-10-21T09:45:00.000-07:00

I received some news yesterday that helped me put everything into perspective. If you've been reading this blog, then you know I haven't been feeling all that great lately both mentally and physically. I've been in a depression and staying true to this journey has been extremely hard and trying. I have wanted to quit, to give up, to just throw my hands up in the air and hide in my bed. You have no idea how much I've been wanting to do that.

That is until I received an e-mail yesterday that woke me up. The message was from my Uncle Mike aka Uncle Mugsy. He has been battling cancer and recently found out that it is growing again. This news sucks beyond all belief!! I cried and sent him all the love and prayers I could. And then I started thinking about how amazing he has been throughout this fight.

I first need to explain what a huge impact my Uncle Mugsy has had on my life. He and my father were not only cousins but best friends. He was always around during my childhood and he showed me by example how extraordinary a father and a man could be. He showed me that strength can be paired with kindness. He proved without a doubt that his daughters came first before anything!! And they knew it, those lucky girls. His also showered his nieces with all that kindness and love. He gave me my first pair of diamond earrings when I was 9, he always made Shepherd's Pie when I came over (my favorite dish!!), and even though no one in his house drank milk, he always made a run to the store to get some for me if I was coming over. He listened to me ramble on about my new apartment when I was moving 400 miles from home and he told me how proud he was of me the first time we saw my name in the credits of a TV show I worked on. He has always made me feel special and I've always known that he is there for me no matter what.

That same strength is still shining through during his battle with cancer. He hasn't given up! Despite it all, he is still living his life. He travels to see his daughters and grandchildren. He walks his pup, Penny, every day. He traveled with his daughters to Europe earlier this year for the trip of a lifetime. And he fights. Oh how he fights!!

If he can fight against the big, bad "C", then I should be able to find the strength to fight my battle. I need to crawl out from under the covers, pick myself up and remember what my hero does every day...and FIGHT!!

Love you lots and lots and lots, Uncle Mugsy! Thank you for the example you've always set for all of us when it comes to strength of character, strength of heart and the strength to fight every battle that comes our way!!

Goodbye 300, Goodbye!! AND GOOD RIDDANCE!

2010-10-21T09:44:00.001-07:00

I did it! Despite my best efforts, I lost 2 lbs this week and broke 300. I'm so excited and feeling reinvigorated!! I need to stay on track with exercising (which means I've got 4 days left in the week and I have to work out each day) and stay on track with eating.

So, goodbye 300s! I hope I never see your ugly face again!!

Stress+Emotional Eating+Depression-Exercise=Weight Gain

2010-10-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

I gained a pound this week. Am I surprised? Not all. Angry? Yes. Disappointed? Yep. Guilty? Oh yeah. Frustrated? Most definitely. But I am the only to blame for this situation. I knew what I was putting in my mouth and I made the choice not to exercise. I’m honestly just surprised I didn’t gain more weight and I should count myself lucky that it was only 1 pound. Unfortunately, I haven’t been feeling that lucky lately.

I’m still in a funk. Still not feeling all that great and definitely not liking myself that much. I'm feeling like a loser and this weight gain just confirms it. But I can either wallow in this feeling or try to fight my way out of this black mood.

I've decided to fight it. I'm determined to get back on track when it comes to eating right and exercising. I’ve been reminded by some pretty wonderful people (thank you Mom and my very sweet cousin, Kristina L.) that I feel better when I do exercise. Not just physically but mentally! That exercising helps me battle my depression. It’s probably not a coincidence that the more days I skipped exercising the worse I felt. I’m going to concentrate on getting in at least 4 days of exercise per week and hope that will in turn help me feel better. And if all goes well, that should make eating right easier and stop this downward spiral.

I have already done 2 of my days this week and it’s only Wednesday so I’m on the right track. Hopefully, I can keep it up.

My Whacked Out State of Mind

2010-10-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, I’ve actually done worse this week. I haven’t exercised AT ALL. I mean nothing. Even though I swore up and down I was going to do it, I didn’t. I’ve been a bottomless pit when it comes to food. I can’t seem to get enough and I know I’ve been doing some serious emotional eating. I know what I need to do to get back on track and I can’t seem to do it. I’m so mad at myself! And frustrated! I can’t seem to get into the right state of mind to get moving again. I am finding it extremely difficult to stop this downward spiral. And the guilt I feel is overwhelming. I feel like I’m letting myself, my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, and the whole world down. I know that probably isn’t true because in the grand scheme of things, my journey isn’t that important to anyone but myself. But it is how I feel. I’m such a LOSER!! A fat, unemployed loser….sigh.

I’ve been so depressed lately and all I want to do is sleep. Of course the minute I lay down, my eyes are wide open. I have a pretty good idea what is causing all of this: weight loss is moving really slow (which makes me feel like a failure which causes me to want to eat emotionally which leads right back to weight loss moving slowly and the vicious cycle repeats), lack of job prospects (which makes me feel like even more of a LOSER), the ever so wonderful PMS, the financial worries caused by not having a job, feel like a failure as a mother because my son is such a handful and, well, I can go on and on and on. I am a control freak and I feel like my world is ready to fall apart. And I just want to quit…everything.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t really fix any of those things except maybe the food I eat and my exercise. Maybe if I can get a handle on that, then I’ll feel better and everything else won’t feel so overwhelming. I don’t know. I just don’t know….

I ate a good breakfast this morning and logged it like I’m supposed to and I’m planning on re-starting my 6 week challenge on my game today at medium intensity.

I just need to get through today…just today.

Nada, Zip, Nothing, Big Fat Zero

2010-10-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

The title says it all. I didn't lose anything this week which means I didn't break 300 like I wanted. I'm really bummed but I don't have anyone to blame but myself. My exercise this week has been sporadic at best. I did exercise 3 days this week but only about 20 minutes on each of those days. I know I need to do better than that. Also, my eating hasn't been the greatest. I've slacked off on keeping track of everything and I need to get back to being as vigilant as I was in the beginning. Not a happy Fat Chick...sigh.

ThisClose

2010-09-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

This week I've lost another 2 lbs which puts me at an even 300. I am "thisclose" to being below 300 lbs. It is so frustrating! While I should just be celebrating a loss of any type, I can't help but wish it would have just been a little bit more so I can get out of the 300s completely. I have to remind myself that this is a good week! Slow and steady is what is going to do it in the long run. If I get anything from this journey besides good health, it may just be patience, a trait I've always lacked...LOL

Also, I found myself getting a little depressed that I weigh 300 lbs at all. I wish it was less. I'm ashamed that I ever got this big and seeing how much I still have to lose, well...it is disheartening. It makes the 44 lbs I've lost seem inconsequential. But I can't think that way. If I do, I know I will lose all the progress I've made so far on this journey. I need to remember that 44 lbs is 44 lbs no matter what I weighed when I started.

I also need to remember that I'm gaining muscle from exercising. That I can do so many things now that I couldn't do before. Remind myself how much better I feel and while I may not be happy with the number on the scale, it is going down and not up. And that is always good, right?

Another Moment I Am Able to Enjoy

2010-09-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

My daughter received her first big girl bike with training wheels yesterday. Her cousin, Tori, was nice enough to hand it on down. Love that!!

Lili was riding in the front yard and we all took turns helping her while she was getting the hang of it. It dawned on me when I was taking my turn that I didn't try to get out of chasing her down the street like I have in the past. I was enjoying myself running after and being part of this moment in her life. I wasn't on the sidelines like I have been in the past. My weight wasn't holding me back this time. Another moment in my life that I am able to enjoy because I'm on this journey. I love it!!

Another 2 Lbs Bites the Dust

2010-09-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

Yeah!! I've lost another 2 lbs which puts me at 42 lbs lost. I can't believe that I am already this far along on my journey. I feel fantastic!! I am wearing a pair of jeans today that I haven't been able to wear in at least 4 years. My bra is on the middle set of hooks instead of the last. My t-shirts fit so much better and I no longer look pregnant..LOL

Every day I notice something I like better about the way I move, or how my clothes fit, or just how I feel. This is a really hard journey but it is worth every bit of effort I can put into it. Let me rephrase that....I'M WORTH EVERY BIT OF EFFORT!!

Fat TV

2010-09-21T17:11:00.000-07:00

Lately, the TV landscape seems to be deluged with television shows centered on overweight characters. Okay, maybe not “deluged” since there are only three shows but in TV land that is a huge amount. Most TV show characters are thin, tiny, and unrealistic. As we all know, the average woman in the good ol’ US of A is a size 14 but most people on TV are a size 0-2. Yes, they are beautiful and we all wish we were that size because being thin is portrayed as being happy. Well, at least happier than anyone is who is fat. A portrayal that isn't exactly true to life. You can be thin and miserable or happy and fat or vice versa. Until recently, "fat" characters were the sidekicks in the majority of programs.

Enter the “fat” shows. I’ve seen all three of the shows and I like them for different reasons. And yes, I totally identify with them.

• HUGE on ABC Family. This shows centers around overweight teenagers sent to a “fat camp”. It’s compelling and very well acted. The actors are all extremely talented and as the title implies, large. The characters deal with all the normal teenage angst along with being overweight. I was an obese teenager and these characters speak to that fat teenager inside.

• DROP DEAD DIVA on Lifetime. A fabulously beautiful, thin, blonde and slightly ditzy aspiring model dies and comes back in the body of an overweight, brunette and brilliant lawyer. This could be a disaster of a show with all the usual situations but it has heart. The actress who plays the main character is brilliant!! You find yourself loving both sides to her character: the aspiring model and the overweight lawyer. I love how the model now has to see the world from a different point of view and how the model's outgoing personality isn’t overshadowed by her new physique.

• MIKE AND MOLLY on CBS. This show premiered last night and it is your classic 30 minute sitcom. An overweight teacher and an overweight cop meet at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and are smitten. In the first episode, you see their struggles with life from dealing with relationships to changing their eating and exercise habits. They are both very cute characters and I’ve seen the actors on other shows in supporting parts. It’s nice to see them given the chance to play the leads. I can identify with the fat jokes that Mike and Molly do during the show. That is a classic fat-coping technique that I’ve used myself on numerous occasions. We have to make fun of ourselves before anyone else can. It is so much easier when we make the fat jokes. I also empathized with the speech which brings up a fear I think a lot of single, overweight people share. That once we lose the weight we still won’t be lovable or attractive. That being overweight isn’t really the reason we are alone. I remember that so well.

If you haven’t seen any of these shows yet, I highly recommend them. It’s nice to see the subject of obesity tackled with sensitivity and gentle humor on TV. Quite the change.

10 Things I Can Now Do

2010-09-19T19:19:00.001-07:00

Losing 40 pounds sounds like a lot and it sounds like a little depending on the context. I know 40 pounds is a lot of weight. The thought of picking up 40 pounds and carrying it any distance at all exhausts me. On the other hand, it looks like a small amount in the grand scheme of things. I do still have another 129 pounds to lose to reach my goal. I decided to look at how losing this 40 pounds has impacted my everyday life so I can really appreciate it...instead of dwelling on the 129 pounds I still have left to do.

1 - I can not only carry my daughter on my shoulders but I can lift her up there all by myself. I love being able to do that!!

2 - Play with my kids on the beach. Race them to surf. Spin around with them. Basically, participate in their lives. It was so awesome not to be on the sidelines this time.

3 - Touch my toes. So simple, right? But honestly, I can't remember the last time I could stand up and touch my toes. It's pretty cool...LOL

4 - Do a decent squat. Yes, squats are the hardest exercise. A tool of the Devil...LOL But I can now do a good one. And do a bunch of them in a row. Something I couldn't do when I first started. The squats have definitely gotten deeper which makes me happy even though it hurts. Just call me a glutton for punishment...LOL

5 - Tie my shoes. Yep, I can now bend over and tie my shoes without lifting my leg or putting my body through awkward and embarrassing contortions. Something I started doing only in the privacy of my bedroom and didn't even realize I was doing that! Wow!!

6 - Stand up from a sitting position without thinking about it. I know it sounds so simple that you are probably wondering why it is on the list. But when you weigh as much as I did, getting up was a big ordeal. Something you did with a lot of effort and not very gracefully.

7 - Walk for long periods of time. I did it in Morro Bay for the first time this summer and was able to enjoy the town in a way I never had before. I followed that up by doing in Pismo down by the pier. Another first for me. As many times as I had been to Pismo, it was the first time I walked around the pier or the shops. Remember, I always avoided walking if possible before because I was always so tired. Not anymore! And this has been the best summer in years because of that.

8 - Fit into most restaurant booths. Wow, you wouldn't believe the difference 40 pounds makes when trying to sit down in a booth. I've had a few embarrassing moments where I didn't fit. Now, it doesn't seem to be as much of a problem. Can't wait until it isn't a problem EVER!!

9 - Get up the steps into my trailer. The steps into the trailer are awkward as it is and there isn't a handle to help you. Not too mention they are pretty high. I've dreaded them each time and avoided going in and out of the trailer as much as possible. I've recently noticed that it doesn't bother me anymore. I have not only lost fat but built up some muscle in my legs. I can easily lift myself up there now.

10 - None ya business...LOL I have a number 10 but I'm not going to share this one. It would definitely fall into the TMI category. Now, I can see all your little minds racing...LOL Just know that it is a good one!

So, that's it. That is 10 not so little things that I can now do. After reading this list, it makes it easier to see the 40 pound loss for what it is instead of what it isn't. I feel good about myself and my progress.

Next list at 80 pounds lost and that's a promise!

Goodbye 40 lbs!!

2010-09-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

Imagine my surprise this morning when I weighed in and lost 3 lbs after 4 weeks of nothing! The best part is that this 3 lbs finally put me at the 40 lb milestone. This loss proves to me that sticking with my exercise program and WW works. I am so excited!

All the changes I've seen in my clothes and in how I feel, are really keeping me motivated. I tried on my engagement ring which I haven't worn in 5 years, and I can finally get it on my finger! Not on top of my wedding band, but hey, I'll take what I can get...LOL My undergarments are loose, my pants are incredibly baggy and my shirts are no longer tight. Things are looking good for this fat chick!

My next milestone? Well, actually there are two of them: getting below 300 lbs and losing a total of 60 lbs by my 39th birthday which is on November 23. I'm pretty sure I can reach those goals in the next 2+ months.

Thank you for all your support and reading my ramblings. I couldn't do this without you guys!!

Yeah Me!!

2010-09-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

Just updated my exercise log for the week. I took the last two days off and wanted to make sure that I logged that. No lying to myself. But I also realized that I actually worked out 5 days last week!! That is awesome for me. I know I can't do everyday for a variety of reasons including burning myself out and my body begging for a rest. I mean, my legs were screaming at me to knock it off. Squats and lunges are tools of the devil!!..LOL Anyway, the 6 Week Challenge requires 4 workouts per week so I'm ahead of schedule by one day. This log may actually work on keeping me on the straight and narrow. Who'da thunk it?...LOL

My New Exercise Log

2010-09-11T15:29:00.000-07:00

You will notice on the right side of my blog a new little section called "Exercise Log - 6 Week Challenge (24 Workouts)". I added this today for a specific reason. No matter how many times I say I have come to the conclusion that exercise is good for me, I will still take any excuse not to do it. You'd think that after seeing the proof for myself, my little brain would grasp the concept that I need to exercise and keep doing it. But..nooooo...LOL I can't possibly do that. Maybe it's the part of me that hates being told what to do that controls that. Yep, I'm sure that's it...LOL

Take today for example. I finally got dressed to exercise and as soon as I turned on the Wii, my controller went dead. I have to place the controller on a charger to recharge the batteries. I guess if I can't use the controller, I can't exercise, right? Wrong!! I can put regular batteries in it and not change my plans which is what I did. The sad thing is that it took everything in me to do that! I'm pathetic..LOL

I'm doing the EA Sports Active More Workouts 6 Week Challenge. You work out 4 days a week for a total of 24 workouts. I'm going to try to do the workouts twice each day. The reason for that is because I set the game to low intensity because I am now using a medium resistance band and wearing 1 lb weight gloves while working out. I need to work back up to the medium intensity level using this equipment. But the low intensity is still a bit easy so I decided if I do it twice it will make up the difference. And my goal is to finish the challenge in less than 6 weeks!!

To help me reach my goal, I've decided to make myself accountable to you. Yes, you. All of you who take the time to read my blog. You can now track my progress when it comes to exercise and feel free to call me out on it if you see me slacking. Obviously, I need it...LOL

No Weigh-In This Week

2010-09-08T16:57:00.000-07:00

I’ve made a decision that may not seem right to most people but it is the best decision for me. I’m going to skip my weigh-in this week. No, it’s not cheating. Let me explain.

I’ve had two weeks in a row where I haven’t lost or gained anything. I’ve stayed exactly the same and that has been depressing. I’ve spent the last 5 days camping where I did a bit of drinking. I’m sure that the water gain from that alone will show up on the scale this week. I know me. I can’t take a third week of no progress or even worse, a gain. I will lose all my momentum and slide right back into my dangerously bad habits. Considering I have little, okay, no patience at all, I know that one more week without any progress will hurt me badly.

So, I’m going to give myself a reprieve this week. No scale. No weigh-in. I’m back home and back on my WW plan. I’ve also jumped right back into exercising by doing workout #4 of my 6 week challenge today. I’m going to give myself a little chance to recover from whatever damage I may have done this week. Allow myself a little time to lose the water weight from the alcohol. Basically, just let me take a moment to catch my breath.

I’ll be back on the scale next week no matter what. I promise!

Hello Plateau...I Hate You!

2010-09-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

Another week and no weight loss. I’m still the same. I’ve reached the dreaded “Plateau” and I hate it. I wish I could be positive about this but I’m just not feeling it right now. I’m angry, sad, depressed and disappointed. And did I mention angry? GRRRRRR I should be at 40 lbs by now but I’m not and I’m ticked off. I feel like everything I’ve done over the last 5 months is for nothing.

The Little Fat Girl inside is laughing hysterically right now. She is screaming at me to just “Forget it!”. (Okay, maybe that isn’t quite the right F-word she is using but my Mom reads this blog so that one will have to suffice. LOL ) She is reminding me that I can’t do this. Who did I think I was kidding? I am fat and I’m always going to be fat. I should just go get some donuts and at least enjoy my fatness. Have a piece of cake, get a milkshake or a big, fat juicy burger. Drown my sorrows in some food. That works, right?

No, it doesn’t. I have years and years of experience with that particular coping mechanism and I know it doesn’t work. But old habits are hard to break and oh, do I ever want to just forget this whole thing and get some yummy food. I’d kill for some cherry pie right now. Oh yum!! But, I can’t. And not just because I’ll be letting myself down but because I’ll be letting all of you down too. That’s part of the reason I started this blog. I wanted to be accountable for what I’m eating to people other than myself because it is sooo easy to let me down. But knowing that all of you take the time to read this blog and support me in my journey means a lot to me. It keeps me from going down that path. The path of least resistance. The path I always go down when I get this far. And I can’t do it this time. I can’t go there no matter how much I want to and trust me, I want to. My cousin, Leslie, even wrote a post about me on her blog on how she admires my stick-to-it-tiveness (did I spell that right, Les?). The post was so sweet, supportive and just full of love. It brought tears to my eyes. After all that, I don’t want to disappoint her or any of you. Or myself.

So, here is the plan. I’m going to make my anger work for me. I’m going to beat that Little Fat Girl and get my butt back in gear. I’m going to do that by going back to the beginning. I’m going to follow my food journal entries from the beginning of WW when I was losing weight consistently. I’m going to start my exercise routine over as well. Yesterday I re-started the 6 week challenge on my EA Sports Active More Workouts game for the Wii. That means I’m going to work out 4 days a week for the next 6 weeks. My Mom and my sister have the original game and they are going to start the 30 day challenge on that game. We are going to do this together which should keep me going.

I will have a loss next week. I will not let that Little Fat Girl defeat me. And I will not let all of you or myself down. I’m going to kick this plateau’s ass!! (Sorry, Mom…but “butt” didn’t sound as tough…LOL).

Big, Fat Nothing

2010-08-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

That is what happened during this week's weigh-in. I didn't gain or lose. I stayed right at 307 lbs which is a little disappointing. My first reaction was the same as it had been in the past. "Forget this!! Let's eat a cake! It's not working anyway." I had to take a step back and think about what is going on and how the past week went.

My schedule changed with my son being in school and I'm still adjusting to that. I know I haven't been eating as well as I should. I've actually skipped breakfast two days this past week because I was volunteering at my son's preschool.

I've been snacking a lot and even though I've stayed within my points most days, I know that I haven't made the best choices. And I'll confess..I had a milkshake. I was dying for one and I had to have it. It was so good but it was also 18 points. I did stay within my points for that day but using 18 points on a milkshake wasn't the best idea. We also went out to Chinese Buffet last Friday night. I went over my points that day but I had my weekly points to use. It was the first time I had used any of those.

Add in the fact that exercising was relegated to only 2 days this past week and I think I see why my weight loss may have stalled this week. I just have to suck it up and get back on the program. I need to make time to exercise and go back to eating healthy each day. I can do this!!

Now for some good news. As always, I pulled out my trusty tape measure to see if I've lost any inches. I've mentioned before that I love to do that when I don't lose as much as I would like that week because if I can see a loss in inches it really helps keep me motivated. And thankfully, I did see results there. It's been a month since I took my last set of measurements and during that month I've lost 2" off of my waist, 1" from my hips and 1/2" off of my thigh. That is a total of 3.5" in a month and grand total of 16.5" since I started this journey. That is a whole lot of me that is gone. And that makes me happy!

Wow...That Hurts

2010-08-24T23:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight while I was tucking my beautiful 4-yr old son into bed, he said “You are fat.” My heart broke into ten million little pieces. I know I’m fat. I discuss being fat on this blog all the time. But to have my child say that really hurt.

I started to think about how lucky I’ve been my whole life when it came to having my weight thrown in my face. I wasn’t teased for being fat in school. My sister, who I fought with all the time, never once brought up my weight during any of our fights and trust me, we fought a lot. There was ample opportunity for her to hit me where it hurts. But she never did. I think I was only called “fat” to my face in a derogatory manner once when I was growing up and my response to that was “That’s the best you got? Really?”. Sure, it hurt a little but it was the truth. Calling me “stupid” in a fight would have bothered me more than calling me “fat”.

Ten or so years after I graduated, the wife of a very close friend whom I had grown up with, asked her husband if he ever teased me about my weight when we were kids. He said “No. She is my friend.” That was the entire explanation and that, in a nutshell, explains my childhood in regards to my weight. I was shy and didn’t date in high school because of my weight. But I was lucky enough to have friends who were unbelievably mature enough back then to like me for me and everyone else around us in school just followed their lead. We all know that children can be cruel but, looking back, I didn’t have to deal with that particular cruelty during my childhood and teenage years.

Hearing those words, words I never had to hear from anyone else, come from my own child’s mouth shocked me. I immediately asked him where he had heard this since he had just started preschool. I wanted to make sure that there wasn’t any teasing being done at school. He said he heard it on TV. I was relieved it wasn’t at school and I definitely don’t want him to start saying this to anyone at school. I immediately asked him why he would say that to me and he said he didn’t know. The sad thing is that I know he didn’t know why he said it. He is just now discovering the concepts of “skinny” and “fat” and is using them without fully understanding their social connotations.

I explained to him that Mommy is fat. Mommy does carry extra weight on her that she is trying to lose. I also explained that it is not okay to say things to other people regarding their weight whether they are skinny or fat. It’s hurtful and cruel. I know we are going to have to revisit this topic again. After all, he is only four years old. He hasn’t yet realized the power that words hold.

I don’t want him to be that mean child that makes fun of other kids because of their weight or any other reason they are considered to be not the “norm”. I want him to be better than that. I want him to be like the friend I mentioned earlier. I want him to be the one that simply answers “She is my friend.”

Wednesday Weigh-In

2010-08-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

Another week has passed and to my surprise I have dropped another 2 lbs which puts me at 37 lbs total. Why am I surprised you may ask? Because my dreaded monthly visitor also arrived this morning and she usually brings plenty of heavy baggage with her. It is great news whenever I show a weight loss but especially when it coincides with a visit from her.

I'm so excited! I'm only 8 lbs away from bidding a not-so-fond farewell to the 300s. Can't wait to say goodbye to them!!

Throw Out the Crap!

2010-08-17T21:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, if you have been keeping up you know that I recently ventured into that scary, dark place called my closet and actually had some success. For once, I didn’t come out of there feeling like the ugliest, fattest person in the world. It was a nice change and a bright moment on this journey I’ve started. But, I also noticed that some of my clothes (no matter what size they are) are just ugly. I’m not going to wear those again and I have to wonder what in the hell I was thinking when I bought some of them..LOL You know you have some of those in your closet too. Don’t try to deny it. LOL

We all have those clothes. Those ones that were in style when you bought them but you wouldn’t wear it now even if you could fit into it. Or those ones that you bought just because it fit and you needed something NOW. So you settled on that ugly shirt or pants. They may not even be ugly…just not really your style. How about those clothes that are missing a button or have a popped seam? You planned on fixing them one day when you can actually fit into them again. But are you really going to? I know I’m not. I didn’t like them enough to fix them before so chances are I’m not going to do it now.

I decided to quit lying to myself and throw out the crap. Toss out of those clothes I know I’m NEVER going to wear again no matter how much weight I lose. I mean, come on, really? The lime-green T-shirt with the rhinestones around the collar? Yeah, it was cute when I bought it but the hems on the sleeves unraveled years ago and I’m not going to fix them. Really, I’m not. LOL Same with the teal version of that T-shirt. Those cream-colored work pants that I bought 6 years ago from Target? Yeah, they are a size 24 and actually fit me. That should make me happy, right? Did I mention they are cream?!! Yeah, like I really need to wear light colors on my bottom half. I hate them!! I hated them when I bought them and every single time I wore them but I bought them because I couldn’t find anything else that fit. I have other options now so they are out of here. Along with a whole slew of faded black pants. Seriously, I’m never going to dye them black again. It’s time to quit lying to myself…LOL. That pile just grew and grew. And I didn’t care. It felt great to get rid of the crap taking up space in my closet. Great to realize that just because I can fit into those clothes again doesn’t mean I have to wear them.

And isn’t the best part of losing weight buying new clothes? Yeah, I could say it is feeling healthy, breathing easier, moving faster…but we all know the truth. It’s the clothes. Buying new, beautiful, fashionable, SMALLER clothes is one of the best perks of losing weight. It’s one of the things that push me forward. The thought of all those new clothes I am going to have to buy. And the bonus to all this? The hubby can’t complain when I buy new clothes because when I say “I have nothing to wear” it will be the truth this time…LOL

Find a Litte Happiness in Your Closet...Really!

2010-08-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

Want a great ego boost? Hit your closet. Seriously!! I know that as one of the "fluffy' brigade, my closet is not my favorite place. Honestly, if I had to rank my top ten favorite spots in my house, my closet wouldn't even make the list. And I live in a small house so that is pretty bad...LOL But today, I actually found a little happiness in that horrible, dark place called my closet.

If you are overweight by any amount, you know you have clothes in your closet that don’t fit. Those clothes you are holding onto until “someday”. They may be one, two, or as in my case, ten sizes too small. But they are so cute, right?! It would break your heart to throw them out plus that means giving up. So we just keep them in the back of the closet waiting to be worn again. We judge how well are diets or new lifestyles (to each their own..LOL) are working by the progress we have made getting into those smaller clothes. And yes, I agree that can be great but it can also be discouraging if they don’t fit yet. You just may not be far enough along the journey for those smaller clothes. I've lost 35 lbs in the last 5 months and only have gone from a 28 to a 26. It would be great if I went from a 28 to a 12 in the same amount of time but that isn’t going to happen. No sense in depressing myself trying to get into clothes that I have no hope of fitting into yet. So, let's just leave those clothes in the back of the closet and talk about those other ones.

You know the ones I’m talking about. The clothes that were tight before you started losing weight. Those that were just small enough to be uncomfortable but you could almost squeeze into them. The pants or tops that didn’t look right anymore even though you could technically get them on…as long as breathing isn’t a requirement..LOL Yeah, you know the ones. I can see you all nodding…LOL

I spent about an hour this afternoon doing just that and I discovered a few things. I have some really great clothes that I didn’t like anymore because they didn’t fit right. Now they actually fit the way they were designed to and they look great. Tops that have bands on the bottom are now loose or just fit correctly across my hips instead of looking like the seams are going to break if I dare sit down. Okay, I admit I do have a few that did rip apart at some point. God Bless my mother-in-law because she is a great seamstress.

I also tried on pants that I didn’t have to lay on the bed to get zipped or move the waist band up and down until I find the right spot where I can just get them buttoned. Then you have to do that weird straight leg stand up so you don’t bend anywhere…because you just can’t. Surprise, surprise. For the first time in who knows how long, all those pants fit as soon as I put them on. ALL OF THEM!! Matter of fact, some were big. Scratch that. The majority of them were big and loose from the get go. I didn’t have to tell myself “Oh well, they will stretch as I wear them.” Now I have to tell myself “I hope they stay up once they stretch out.” And you know that was nice to say. Put a huge smile on my face and yeah, I even (gulp) felt pretty in some of them. I was feeling pretty good when I was done messing around in there.

Try it. Hit your closet and try on some clothes that were a smidge tight. I bet they are looser. And I’ll bet you walk out with a smile on your face. Just stay away from those ones in the back. Those are for later.

Some of My Favorite Foods

2010-08-11T11:47:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of the foods and snacks that I've discovered so far on this journey. Most of these have become staples in our house and my entire family is eating them.

Thomas Bagel Thins - A great substitute for a regular bagel. They just cut the middle section out of a bagel so you get all the good crispiness when toasted. They come in Whole Wheat, Everything and Plain. Best part? Only 1 point for the whole bagel. Top it with one wedge of Laughing Cow Light Creamy Garlic and Herb Cheese (another point) and you have a delicious breakfast for only 2 points!!

Special K Red Berries Cereal – 1 cup is only 2 points and it is so delicious!

Oroweat Sandwich Thins - they come in the round bun shape or the long skinny ones called Fill'ems. The long shape is great for hotdogs or big sandiwches. Best part is that the entire bun is only 1 point.

Sara Lee 45 Calorie Bread - you can get two slices of bread for 1 point!!

Edamame in the Pods – a great snack. One cup is only 1 point. Since you have to pop them out of the shell, they take a while to eat and are packed with protein. I get the ones that are lightly salted so it satisfies that snacking bug that wants chips.

Cucumbers – English to be precise. Love, love, love them. Sliced with a little sprinkle of salt, served with hummus or sprinkled with red wine or balsamic vinegar. Delish!!

Hummus – oh, how I love thee!! Great to have with carrots or cucumber slices in place of chips with a sandwich. My favorite? Sabra Roasted Red Pepper…to die for!

Beefsteak Tomatoes – sliced with a drizzle of ranch dressing. I got so sick of salads. This makes the perfect substitution.

Frozen Fruit – I eat a bowl of frozen fruit instead of popcorn sometimes when I watch a movie. It takes a while to eat and usually runs 1-2 points for the bowl. I love the one with strawberries, peaches, pineapple and mango.

Fast Food – Can anyone say Taco Bell? I love their crunchy tacos fresco style. Only 3 points each and you feel like you are being sooo bad…LOL

Salmon – I love salmon!! We usually have it topped with a reduction of balsamic vinegar sweetened with a little honey or brown sugar. Makes a perfect glaze for the fish. Even my 2 year old daughter loves salmon!

Popcorn – Microwave, 94% fat free is only 1 point for 5 cups!! So, the whole bowl is mine, mine, mine!! LOL

Desserts – I love desserts and Weight Watchers Smart Ones Desserts are my favorite. Even my Hubby is eating them all the time. I love the Key Lime Pie (only 4 points) and the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream Sundae…so good!

Skinny Cow Individual Ice Cream Cups – at only 2-3 points each they are a must for any ice cream lover. So good and a perfect portion.

I'll update this list as I make new discoveries and I'd love to hear what some of your favorite foods and snacks. (And my dear Leslie - no chocolate and peanut butter...LOL)

Measuring Cups and Spoons Evil?

2010-08-11T11:45:00.000-07:00

I really detest measuring my food. It takes time and is really annoying. But I’ve realized it is a necessary evil for me to reach my goal. As a nation, our idea of a portion of food is on the large side…the really, really large side. We always want the most, the biggest amount.even when it isn’t good for us. I know that Super Sizing at a fast-food restaurant had become second nature for me. I’ve had to relearn what a normal portion of food looks likes and realized that my sense of portion is completely skewed.

For example, a ½ cup of rice looks really small to me and a cup of rice looks really big. Neither of them look the way I think that amount of rice should look. My expectations of each measurement contradict each other. A tablespoon of mayonnaise is so tiny but 2 tablespoons is way too much. And for the record, the spoons you eat with, big and small, are not equal to a tablespoon or a teaspoon like I always thought. Especially if you are piling it up on the spoon…LOL And I know I do that.

And don’t even get me started on the ounce measurement. That one is soooo tricky!! I thought 2 ounces of turkey lunchmeat would be nothing so I would need 6 ounces on my sandwich. I brought out the trusty food scale and realized that 6 ounces of meat was a ridiculous amount to put on a sandwich. That is almost half a pound!! Two to three ounces actually works best. Gives me the thick sandwich I love without straying into the are-you-out-of-your-mind category.

Yes, I have now become the person who measures her food. The measuring cups, spoons and the scale are constantly being used and while it is annoying it is also eye-opening. I find that I am eating much smaller portions now that I can see the measurements. And I think the results speak for themselves, right? As long as I keep losing, I guess I’ll keep measuring.

Fat Paralysis

2010-08-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

Fat has a little known side-effect. It paralyzes you. Not just the physical weight of it which can make certain activities difficult but it also feeds on your fear. It makes you want to hide and not do anything. It leaves you afraid of being judged, afraid of being ridiculed, and afraid of being rejected by the world outside for just trying to fit in. And because of this paralysis, there are so many activities that just pass you by.

I was talking to my cousin, Sweet Bippy, about this very subject. She mentioned that she has a list of things she wants to do when she reaches her weight goal (which I’m hoping she will share with us). I thought that was an incredible idea so I started a list of my own.

Here is what I am looking forward to as I get smaller:

• White water rafting - yep, I really want to do it! They offer it in Three Rivers right next to where we go camping.

• Kayaking in Morro Bay - I see people doing this and it looks like so much fun

• Going to Disneyland and riding all the rides without the fear that I won’t fit

• Flying on an airplane (without spilling over the seat) and being able to travel without embarrassment

• Water slides - I really want to take the kids to the water park but I’m too embarrassed right now

• Go-karts – I want to take the kids and go racing

I’m sure there are many more things that I want to do and I’ll keep adding to this list as I think of them. But these will do for a start. Something to strive for…breaking through the Fat Paralysis.

What is on your list?

P.S. – You should check out Sweet Bippy’s blog “Sweet Bippy Cooks” at http://sweetbippycooks.blogspot.com/. My cuz is a fabulous cook and has been since we were kids. I miss her cooking but love having access to her recipes! Love ya Sweet Bippy!!

Hello 10%

2010-08-11T11:09:00.000-07:00

Today was my weigh-in day and I’m thrilled to report that I’ve lost 3 lbs this week!! After losing only 1 lb last week, seeing this 3 lb loss made me ecstatic. But the best part is that I’ve hit my 10% goal. Well, actually a little more than 10%. I only needed to lose 34.4 lbs to reach my 10% weight loss goal but I’ve lost a total of 35 lbs.

This means I am I’ve lost 10% of me!! I take up 10% more room when I sit in a chair or on a couch. I am 90% of the woman I used to be…LOL (When I mentioned that to the Hubby he said he still loved me 100%..sometimes he is so sweet!) It is an incredibly awesome feeling. I know I am on the right track and reaching this goal proves to me that I can do this. I not only can but will keep going!!

And yes for all of you who truly know me, I did a happy dance all around the house!! There was just 10% less of me to dance...LOL

Bitter Pill

2010-08-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a while since I posted. I haven’t been feeling well for the last few weeks. I was not in the mood to write or basically do anything. I’ve spent every day on the verge of tears and I’ve just been an emotional mess. I am constantly balancing on the edge of this big black abyss known as depression. I know that if I fall, I will disappear into it forever. It’s a scary feeling and I hate it. I’ve stumbled a bit lately which led to an extremely emotional and unhappy me. Basically, I just lost myself for a bit.

But I did make a very important discovery over the last few weeks. I was reading Shape magazine and came across an article where a doctor said that exercise was important in fighting depression. I know in my last post I said I was going to get back into exercising again and I did for a day but I couldn’t get it together to do it again. But after I read that article, I swear you could see the light bulb turn on over my head. I put two and two together and realized that I had become more depressed the longer I went without exercising. My mom also mentioned that I was much happier when I was exercising. And she was right. Not only was exercising good for my overall physical well-being but it was also good for a my mental health.

As a life-long member of the” I Hate Exercise Club” this is a bitter pill to swallow. But the truth is the truth. I need to exercise and not just to lose weight which I’ve always seen as the main benefit of exercising. I need to do it to keep myself mentally and emotionally fit. To help me balance on the edge of that abyss. I’m back to exercising 5-6 days a week using the Wii and the treadmill and I already feel better.

Time to Confess

2010-07-28T10:42:00.000-07:00

If you read the prior post, you know I lost 2 lbs last week and reached a total loss of 31 lbs. It is an awesome feat (if I do say so myself…and I do..LOL). But I have a confession to make. I’ve fallen off the exercise bandwagon. I haven’t worked out since we returned from our camping trip over a week ago. I’ve kept saying “tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow”. Sure, I have lots of reasons I couldn’t exercise: my “time of the month” arrived the day after we returned home, I’ve been getting my house ready for visiting relatives, I am jumping through hoops trying to register my son for pre-school, blah, blah, blah. I’ve always been good at coming up with reasons to be lazy. I’ve got that Little Fat Girl inside to help me. She loves to laze around and will avoid exercise at all cost. Even when she knows that I feel better when I do it.

Enough with the excuses. Time to get back to it and you know what, I’m not going to start tomorrow or the next day or the next. I’m going to start today. It’s time to turn it up a notch so I can keep losing, keep getting healthier.

Put on your sweats, Little Fat Girl. It’s time to sweat!!

Broke The 30 LB Mark

2010-07-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

Today I reached a milestone. I lost 2 lbs this week which puts me at 31 lbs lost. I have been trying to reach the 30 lb mark for quite a while now but it stayed just out of reach. It was frustrating and making me crazy. The longer it took to reach it the more important it became to me. Isn’t that just about true with anything?...LOL

I realize that 30 may seem like a random number but to me it means that I am truly on my way. It represents my commitment to losing weight and getting healthy. I can’t remember the last time I lost 30 lbs. Well, actually, that is just a figure of speech…LOL I definitely can remember the last time I lost this much weight. It was between 1997-1998 when I lost 87 lbs total. Honestly, do you think I could ever forget being smaller? Could anyone?..LOL I reached my goal back then and losing 31 lbs now shows me I am on the right path. It reinforces my belief in myself and shows the Little Fat Girl inside that I CAN DO THIS!!! It is not impossible. It is not unimaginable. It is not unreachable.

I am One Fat Chick, hear me roar!!! (yeah, I had to…LOL)

My Camping Revelations

2010-07-23T11:28:00.001-07:00

We spent 5 days in Morro Bay last week like we do every July. I discussed how much I was looking forward to this trip in an earlier post because of my weight loss and my overall better health. And boy, did it make a difference. I had the best time ever! I may have gone camping there 5 pounds lighter at some point during the last 6 years but never in better shape.

Here are a few of the things I noticed while camping this year:

• First and foremost, potty time is important time..LOL I can get in and out of our bathroom in the trailer much, much easier. It was awesome!! I didn’t feel as uncomfortable as I usually do in there and there were no contortions involved when entering the bathroom. I must say it again…..AWESOME!!

• My big, bulky camping jacket was much looser on me. I keep this jacket in the trailer and only wear it when camping on the coast at night. It’s a men’s plaid jacket with the fake fur lining. It used to barely button but now it buttons and I can grab a handful of material and pull it away from me. I could really see the difference and that was inspiring!

• I actually squatted down and sat on the trailer steps. Then got back up without even thinking about it. It was incredible to know that I was strong enough to move like that!

• We rode the trolley around town. We have never done it before because of me and my fears. I was always too afraid I wouldn’t fit in the seat (which I did easily…I think I let my mind build these situations up to outlandish proportions). I also didn’t want to do it because that meant that I would have to walk around town when we got there and heaven forbid! I didn’t want everyone to see how tired I would get from walking. Well, I’m really glad we did it this time. We did it two days of our vacation. On the second day, we spent 5 hours in town walking around and riding on the trolley. The kids had a blast and I was able to experience the beautiful town of Morro Bay in a way I never had. Plus, I never got tired or wanted to go back.

• I walked and walked and walked. Mostly with my kids around the campgrounds and I loved it. My daughter and I even did a few small sprints. I didn’t even care what I looked like or what anyone else thought. Lili and I were laughing and having fun. Isn’t that what is most important anyway? Besides, it gave my 70 year old father-in-law a break. I’m ashamed to say that he usually took the kids for walks because I was too out of shape and/or lazy to do it. Pretty pathetic, right? But that’s over and done with. That's not who I am anymore.

I know some of these items may seem small or inconsequential. But to me, they were huge. Each accomplishment, no matter how small, keeps me motivated and keeps me on my journey. This year it was a new healthier, happier me that went to Morro Bay and I like her. I like her enough that I voluntarily had a couple of pictures of myself taken. That is huge! Okay, no pun intended…LOL

Can’t wait to see what comes next on my journey!

After Camping Weigh-In

2010-07-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

Today is my first day back from camping and wouldn’t you figure that it is also my weigh-in day. There is nothing scarier than having to weigh-in after vacation. Especially when said vacation involved eating a few things I normally don’t allow myself including an éclair and two orders of fish and chips (minus the chips since I don’t really like French fries). And, yes, I did have the orders of fish on two separate days. I didn’t go that crazy. I’m also lucky enough to have camped with relatives who made amazing homemade Mexican food including tamales (I had two with breakfast one day) and sopapillas which are like crack…seriously...LOL For those who are unfamiliar with them, here is the definition found on Wikipedia.org:

“A sopaipilla, sopapilla, sopaipa, or cachanga is a kind of fried pastry and a type of quick bread served in Argentina, Bolivia, Chile, north of Mexico, New Mexico, Peru, and Texas. “

Trust me, they are delicious either by themselves, with beans on top or even as a dessert sprinkled with powdered sugar or cinnamon and sugar. Delish!! I ate my plain. I figured the fried dough is bad enough without adding to it. LOL

See, what I mean? I got carried away just talking about sopapillas! Back to my weigh-in. I was quite surprised this morning to see that despite my transgressions, I actually lost a pound!! I would have been happy to just not have gained but to lose makes me ecstatic! I am attributing the weight loss to the walking I did with my kids around the campgrounds and the town. I even brought my free weights and did some upper body exercises in the trailer. I guess when I think about it, I didn’t go completely off the rails.

Now that I’m back home, it’s time to get back into exercising and tracking my WW points again. I am aiming to reach that 30 lb mark next week. Fingers crossed!

Ready to Get My Camp On

2010-07-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

We are heading out for the coast today for 5 lovely days. I am so excited to get out there and just relax in the cool weather. It’s been so hot and miserable here.
We have gone to Morro Bay every year in July for the last 6 years. It is a tradition in my hubby’s family for over 30 years and it is a great place to be when it is over 100 degrees in our town.

I’ll admit that as much as I have always loved camping, I really began to dread these trips over the last few years. I didn’t want to have to go walking in town or on the beach or have to chase the kids all over the campgrounds because I just wasn’t in shape for it. I didn’t want to deal with camping chairs or finding clothes to wear that actually fit. As stated in a previous post, it was just easier to stay at home where it is safe but I always went and was miserable a lot of the time.

But this year is different. I feel great and my body is so much stronger. My energy levels are way up. I’m actually looking forward to walking around town, taking the kids for walks around the campsite and pretty much anything else that comes up. I can’t believe how much I’m looking forward to all of it.

The trailer is packed with healthy food and snacks, lots of water, tequila and my lite margarita mix (you know there is tequila..LOL) and even my hand weights so I can get some exercise in while I’m there. I’ll do a little strength training and walking so I don’t lose any of the progress I’ve made.

Now, I’m just waiting for the hubby to get home because….I’m ready to get my camp on!!

Wednesday Weigh-In and the Water Phenomenon

2010-07-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

This morning was my official weekly weigh in and I’m down another pound. I was hoping for 3 so I could make an even 30 but that may have been pushing it. Especially since my visitor from hell is due today and all you ladies out there know how that plays havoc with our scales. I’m just going to take this loss and be happy with it. I also took my measurements and I’m down a ½" on my bust, 1" on my hips (FINALLY!!..my toughest area) and ½" on my waist. I guess the hour long workouts 5-6 days a week are working. I’d hate to lose all that sweat for nothing! LOL

Here is something I experienced last night that I found frustrating and fascinating all at once. We will call it the Water Phenomenon. I was drinking water like crazy yesterday. I have a cup that holds 32 oz (equal to 4-8oz cups) which I use every day to ensure I meet my daily 8 cups of water requirement. I just have to drink two of them a day and I get 64 oz of good ol’ H2o. It’s got a lid so I can even take it with me when I run my errands. This also eliminates the temptation of stopping for a nice, cold calorie-laden drink when out and about.

I guess I was very thirsty yesterday because I drank 5 of those starting in the late afternoon/early evening until about 10pm. We are talking 160 oz of water in a short period of time. And then I had the bright idea to weigh myself last night to see if I was going to be disappointed in the morning. I know, I know. You aren’t supposed to do that. (Yes, Mom, you have told me to knock that off…LOL). Anyway, my scale said I weighed 324 lbs!! I was shocked. I weighed 316 lbs that afternoon. How was that possible? I started to freak out. I even put a 5 lb hand weight on the scale to see if it was broken. It wasn’t. I wanted to cry. How could I possibly gain 8 lbs during one afternoon?

I did what anyone would do. I hit the internet in my search to find out what the heck had happened and if it was possible to gain that much weight in such a short period of time. Logically, I know you have to take in 3500 calories more than you burn to gain a pound. I know I didn't eat 28,000 calories during that afternoon...LOL

I found out that 1 – 8oz glass of water weighs ½ a pound and you usually weigh more at night because your body hasn’t had time to process all that you have consumed during the day. Well, in about 4 hours I had consumed 20 8-oz glasses of water which equals 10 lbs! Now, I know you can’t believe everything you read online but I was really, really hoping that was true and in my case it was. I peed all night long. I must have gone to the bathroom 15 times last night. It was a major pain in the bottom but when I woke up this morning I was back to my 316 lbs. Thank goodness!

What lesson have I learned from this? DON’T WEIGH YOURSELF AT NIGHT!!! It’s depressing and frustrating. So no more. And to all of you who just rolled your eyes at that because you know I am seriously addicted to my scale, well…okay, I promise I will try to not do it, how’s that?...LOL

Bad News = Bad Habits

2010-07-13T00:44:00.000-07:00

I received a letter today from a company letting me know they are going to pursue other applicants. I had a short telephone interview with them last week in which we my skills and salary history. A part of me knew that I wasn't going to get it before I even hung up but I held out a small amount of hope that I'd be called in for a face-to-face interview. As usual, talking about my previous salaries in this economy is a death sentence. Not that I made a tremendous amount of money because I didn’t but it was more than most people want to pay during these times. I’m aware I can't get as much now and will happily settle for less but it doesn't seem to matter. Bless all those well-meaning people who tell you it isn't personal when you don't get the job or even a call back. I try to believe them, I do. I swear it...but it does feel personal. It’s still a rejection. If you have ever looked for a job you understand what I’m talking about.

Now I bet you are wondering what receiving that letter has to do with this blog. Simple answer is that it was bad news and I did what I always do when I get bad news…I ate. It’s hard to admit I did it but I fell right back into that old mindset. That little fat girl started dancing through my mind again telling me that food will make it all better. Oh she danced and pranced and laughed. Encouraged me to eat and eat and eat. Reminded me how those cookies and that ice cream will make me feel better. Make all the bad go away. How much better I'll feel after I eat it all.

And I listened to her...well, for a little bit. I had a Weight Watchers dessert topped with Cool Whip Lite, followed by a bag of microwave kettle corn and shortly before midnight I followed all of that up with a Bagel Thin spread with two triangles of Laughing Cow cheese. Mind you, that this was on top of the nice pasta dinner I had earlier tonight. To be perfectly honest, I could eat so much more right now. It’s taking all my willpower not to dive into that pantry and go crazy.

But I know it won’t make a difference. No matter what that little fat girl whispers in my ear, eating won’t make me feel better. I’ll still be sad that I didn’t even get an interview, still feel like I’ve been rejected, and I will still take it all personally. At least for a little while. And then I will shrug it off and keep plugging along because, really, what other choice do I have?

Unfortunately, it won’t be as easy to shrug off the cake, cookies, chips, ice cream, and whatever else I manage to find to eat the hurt away. So, I’m going to stop the binge now and lock that little fat girl away again. It wasn't too bad this time. I still haven’t even gone over my WW points for the day so I’m okay. I know it was a little binge and I know what triggered it. I’m going to count that as a plus. I’m actually beginning to understand and recognize my destructive behaviors. I’ve come so far in the past few months with eating right and exercising. I can’t let this bit of bad news be the catalyst that ends it all.

And to make sure it doesn’t, I’m off to bed before my willpower wavers. There isn't any food in there so I should be pretty safe. LOL

Good night all!

Blah

2010-07-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, it was bound to happen. I’ve hit “blah”. You know “blah”, don’t you? That is the period when nothing is exciting or motivating. It’s when I can’t seem to be satisfied with anything…not watching a movie, a TV show, reading a book, going somewhere, staying home, exercising, playing with the kids, not playing with the kids, napping, etc. Nothing is making me happy! And I’m having trouble shaking it. I hate when I get like this. Ugh!!

For the last two or three days, I’ve just felt so blah. I can’t seem to get motivated to do anything! I’ve taken two days off from exercising which is okay because it goes with my schedule but I haven’t done that in forever. And today I’m struggling to get moving. I’ve been doing everything I can to avoid it and I’m so disappointed in myself. I’ve been doing so well for the past 12 weeks (wow…that’s pretty good, huh?) and exercising had become second-nature so this is really ticking me off.

Now is the “why” part of this post. Why am I feeling this way? I have no idea. I am hoping that it is because my monthly visitor is due soon as this feeling will pass with her. That is if I’m lucky. It could also be that I’ve been stuck at home with the kids with little to no adult interaction. I don’t do well with that. I miss being with adults during the day. The fact that I’ve been looking for a job without any luck I’m sure is another factor. Not to mention that sad situations have arisen left and right with friends and family. I won’t disclose them here because they are not mine to discuss but my heart bleeds for them.

It could be any one of the above but more than likely it’s a combination of all. It’s my own personal perfect storm that is creating this emotional morass known as “blah”. I do know that I really have to fight this feeling and drag myself out of this as soon as possible. It is like quicksand and will slowly drag me down to the depths of depression. A place I have spent enough of my life in and have no intention of visiting again.

I have to get moving. I have to get motivated. I have to do something…which leads me to ending this post and getting up from this chair. So, with one final sigh, it’s time to turn on the Wii and burn off some calories and hopefully some of this “blah”. Wish me luck.

Update at 3:20pm same day:

Well, i did finally move. 30 minute Wii EA Sports Active workout followed by a 30 minute The Biggest Loser Cardio Max DVD workout (first time I've done that one and it is a killer). I'm a sweaty mess right now. Still blah but feeling a little better since I didn't let it keep me from doing what I needed to do. I guess that is a bit of happiness I should try to hold on to, huh?

Happy

2010-07-07T13:03:00.000-07:00

Today I am happy.

It’s been so long since I felt this way that I’m in shock. I’m not upset, irritated, annoyed, dismayed, disappointed or defeated. I’m not angry at myself or sad. This is honestly the weirdest feeling. I’ve felt all of those other negative emotions for so long that they became second nature. I’ve forgotten what it is like to feel positive.

I had a 3 lb weight loss this week which put me at 27 lbs total. It’s seems like with each pound I lose, I start to believe more and more that I can truly do this. Slowly but surely I can get where I want to be. I’ve also lost another inch off of my arms and half of an inch off of my thighs and waist. Proof positive that I am a smaller me than I was when I started this journey.

And on top of that, I reached a goal today. I’ve lost 5% of my weight from when I started on WW! I received a little purple star on my graph on WW online to mark this occasion. That made me smile even though it wasn’t anything tangible or big. But it is an acknowledgement of the work I’ve done and the effort I’ve put into this journey.

In response to all that I’ve accomplished so far, WW dropped my daily point allowance which believe it or not also made me smile. Since when does finding out I am allowed less food make me happy?...LOL It’s amazing that something I would have thought of as a punishment a few months ago has now become a reward.

I’ve also noticed a change in the way I view exercise. It is no longer something I “have to do” a certain number of days a week. I don't spend hours each day convincing myself to do it. It is a normal part of my routine. Part of my everyday life. I find myself getting dressed to exercise without thinking about it anymore. It’s become a part of who I am.

This journey I’m on has already changed me for the better and I’m not anywhere near my final goals yet. I can’t wait to see what other changes are in store for me along the way. But for right now, I’m going to concentrate on today.

Yes, today I am happy!

Independence from Fat

2010-07-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

On the 4th of July I celebrated our country’s independence like the rest of the country. We took the kids to see the fireworks at the country club. No, we don’t belong to it….LOL We parked on the side of the street and stood by the car to watch the show. It was beautiful! And watching my children’s faces light up was the best part. My 2-year old daughter kept calling out each color (especially the pink..she loves pink) and saying how “pwetty” each one was while my 4-year old son made the “kaboom” noises with each blast.

At one point, my son said he was tired. I told him he would have to stand since my daughter was already on my hubby’s shoulders. And I couldn’t hold him. I mean, he is too heavy and I’m too weak to hold his 46 lb weight. So he did what 4 year olds do….he whined a little and kept trying to sit down on the ground. But since there wasn’t really a sidewalk, I didn’t want him to sit in someone’s yard. I finally told him to come here and I would hold him. To my surprise, I actually did. I was able to easily pick him up and put him on my hip. I held him for about 5 minutes until my arms got tired but I was shocked I was able to do that. And I was so proud of myself. I realized that my exercising was not only helping me lose the fat but truly building my muscles. I was stronger than I realized.

My hubby said he would take him if I could put my daughter on my shoulders. Once again, my first reaction was “No way”. I couldn’t hold her on my shoulders. They are my weakest part. I complain every time I have to do shoulder exercises. Plus, I’m clumsy and my balance has never been that strong. I’d topple right over or drop her…wouldn’t I? And who was going to get her down? I couldn’t possibly bring her down off of my shoulders. She weighs 34 lbs and I just knew I couldn’t lift that much weight up high enough to get her down. But after looking at her sweet face, I shook off my fears and said “Sure.”

My hubby put her on my shoulders and it was…fine. No problem at all. I was able to easily hold and balance her weight on my shoulders. I looked at my son on my hubby’s shoulders and my daughter on mine. I thought that we must look sort of sweet as a family. Kind of like a picture from a movie. We’ve never done this before. Actually, I should say I’ve never done this before. Up until now, I was always too tired and weak to hold them like this. In that moment, I realized something very important. Exercising was not only helping me burn the hated fat that I want to lose but also building up muscles and strength that I didn’t even know I was missing or that I wanted. And I do, I do want that. I loved holding my baby on my shoulders. And when it was time for her to get down, I just lifted her up and set her down. I didn’t even need any help!

This year the 4th of July was a celebration of our country’s independence but it meant a little more to me. That day as I held my baby on my shoulders, I celebrated my independence from the weight that held me prisoner and from my own inactivity that kept me weak.

A toast to a stronger and healthier me!!

The Battle of the Balance Board

2010-07-03T14:37:00.000-07:00

Back in October of 2009 when I started classes for Kaiser’s Bariatric program, I talked my hubby into buying me a Wii, the Wii Fit game, Balance Board and as many accessories as I could talk him into. Come on, you know me. I went for as much stuff as I could get…LOL Imagine my chagrin when I realized I was 13 lbs too heavy for the Balance Board and I couldn’t use the game and all the cool stuff I bought. I was crushed! I put it away and figured I would eventually get to use it…someday.

If you have been reading this blog, then you know what happened next. I lost my insurance which meant the surgery was out of the question. Depression set in and I gained an additional 6 lbs. Now I was 19 lbs too heavy for the Balance Board.

For the last 8-9 months, the game has sat in a closet unused and the Board has been collecting dust on a shelf. A few months ago, I got my butt in gear and I’ve now lost 24 lbs. Even though the loss has put me 5 lbs below the Board’s limit I was still afraid to try it. I didn’t want to be depressed or get upset if it still wouldn’t let me on it. But today a friend of mine (Hi, Tammy) posted on Facebook how much fun she was having with the Wii Fit Plus. It got me thinking that maybe I should just try it. I’m looking for more ways to exercise and I’ve already spent all that money on it. I know how much weight I’ve lost and regardless of the outcome, I’m still down 24 lbs no matter what that stupid Board says.

I pulled up my big girl panties and brought the game out. Of course the batteries were dead in the Board and I had to get it all set up which was a pain in the butt. But once I had it set up and the game was on, it was the moment of truth. I cringed as I stepped on the Board and…it worked!! It didn’t turn off. It started calculating my weight, balance, etc. I was finally able to use the Balance Board and play the Wii Fit game today. I am so freaking excited!! I feel like I accomplished this huge goal and that I won the battle against the Board (yes, I was fighting with an inanimate object..LOL).

Granted the damn game does say “Oh!” whenever I stand on the Board and it proceeded to tell me I was obese during the weigh-in. Yes, it actually says that…like I didn’t already know. And then it gave me my Wii Fit age. According to the Wii, I’m 49 years old…11 years older than my true age. Yep, that hurt but come on, it wasn’t really a surprise. I weigh 320 lbs. Obviously, I’m not fit. LOL

But now I have a new goal on this journey. I’m going to bring that age lower and lower and lower. I’m going to shut that game up!

Oh and for the record, it really is fun!! I did some step aerobics, balance exercises, hula hoop exercises, yoga and strength training. I can’t wait for tomorrow!

I Scream for Ice Cream

2010-07-02T11:31:00.000-07:00

I love ice cream. It is so yummy, creamy and delicious. But the fat content and calorie count is just too high. Plus, most containers list the serving size as ½ cup and who really eats that little bit? Not me. My ice cream bowls tend to be rather large and I’m not good at just putting ½ cup into my bowl. That little tiny bit of ice cream just looks so sad and my eyes tell me that I am being deprived. Which we all know is not good!

Luckily Skinny Cow came out with individual ice cream cups. They are 5.8 oz which makes them a little over ½ cup. They run between 150-170 calories per serving (which is the entire container…YEAH!!) and only 1-3 grams of fat. The best part is that there is 4 grams of fiber in each container which makes the point values on WW 2 or 3 depending on the flavor.

And speaking of flavors, they have quite a few to choose from. I had Dulce De Leche yesterday and it was delicious!! I also bought Cookies n Cream, Strawberry Cheesecake and Caramel Cone. I can’t wait to try those as well.

The best part is that you get to eat it right of the container. No measuring which is a pain in the butt and just plain depressing. It feels absolutely decadent and totally fooled my brain into thinking I was having more ice cream than I actually was so my sweet tooth was totally satiated.

Skinny Cow, I believe this is the beginning of a long love affair….LOL

Update - 7/4/10

LOVE - Dulce De Leche
LIKE - Cookies N Cream, Caramel Cone
OKAY - Strawberry Cheesecake (Note: Hubby thought this was great. Will admit not my first choice for ice cream flavor.)

Happy, Happy, Happy!

2010-06-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

Today was my weigh-in day and the scale was nice to me. I’ve lost 2 lbs for a total of 24 lbs. I’m so excited! And not just because I had a loss this week but because I lost it even though I was camping this weekend. I’ve proven to myself that I am capable of eating healthy while camping. I am capable of making changes and not allowing food to rule my life. I may actually be in control of my weight…which is shocking and wonderful.

I decided to dig in my closet today for a pair of jeans one size smaller than I’ve been wearing and give them a try. This is always a dangerous proposition because I run the risk of becoming depressed if they don’t fit. But happily for me, they did!! I’ve dropped from a 28 to a 26! I haven’t worn these jeans since my son was 8 months old….almost 4 years ago!

I’ll admit it. I am a big dork and I cried. Crying over getting into a pair of jeans one size smaller may seem ridiculous to some of you but I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to wear these again. When I lost my insurance and my chance to have the WLS, I thought that was it. I was doomed to be a size 28 or even bigger. But I’m not. I’m really not. Wow…

The Healthy Camping Report

2010-06-29T12:01:00.000-07:00

Back from a great camping trip. We had so much fun and were able to eat healthy the whole time. I did have a small piece of ice cream cake for my hubby’s birthday but I was still within my points. I have to report that the lite margaritas were fantastic! I used the Master of Mixes Lite Margarita mix which has only 10 calories per 4 oz serving. There is no sugar added so I added one-two packets of Splenda to each drink and it was party time!! Even my hubby and one of my girlfriends liked them. Thank you Master of Mixes!

Another idea that was a hit was the frozen fruit. Everyone loved it and it was the perfect treat on a hot day. The frozen fruit satisfied my sweet tooth (well, mostly…I mean, come on. It wasn’t chocolate..LOL). And it was so refreshing on such a hot, hot, hot day. Have I mentioned it was hot?...LOL

I noticed a few really cool things while camping that are going to encourage me to stick with my new healthy lifestyle. My hubby and I sleep on a full-size bed in our trailer. You read that right. A full-size…not a queen. We’ve always been comfortable even though we are large-sized people (gosh, you gotta love all the different ways I can come up with to say “fat”…LOL). But this time we noticed a difference. Between the two of us, we have lost 44 lbs! That is the same amount as my 4 year old son! It definitely made a difference in bed. Well, mostly for him since I still sleep on the edge of the bed. (I’ve always slept on the edge of the bed no matter how small or large I am. It’s just an old habit.) But the smaller “us” gave him more room to spread out. It was great for us and I’m sure the bed frame was loving it too…LOL

Oh, have you ever seen the size of a bathroom in an 18 ft trailer? We are talking small, small, small. Those bathrooms are made for stick figures...LOL Getting in and out has been a problem for me since we bought the thing. Always had to shimmy a little to get in but not anymore. I can slide past the door frame just a little easier.

I also noticed a difference when I had to get off the boat to go swimming. It was still a little awkward for me but definitely easier than last time. I felt such a huge sense of accomplishment when I realized that getting on and off the boat wasn’t as difficult. And as always, I spent tons of time in the water. Great cardio workout when you have to swim with a 35 lb weight attached to your back or chest. By the way, that weight goes by the name of “Lili”…LOL

And my energy level was through the roof! I didn’t get as tired as usual. Walking around the campgrounds, going to my friend’s campsite or down to the little beach wasn’t a big deal. I never thought about it or found myself dreading it. It was normal. I was normal!!! Yippee!! And to top it off, I think I was the person who was the least tired when we got back from the lake. Pretty great when you take into consideration that I was the heaviest person there (gosh, that still hurts to write..LOL). And I didn’t sit around the whole time. I was constantly swimming and moving. Once again, I credit the exercising with that as much as the lost pounds. I know that I'm building those muscles located under all this fat and that is making all the difference.

I’m also happy to report that I wore denim capris everyday. Yep, denim all day long. This is huge for a girl who used to only wear jeans when she had to leave the house. The best part is that not only were they comfortable but also a little baggy. I loved it!!

Some of these little things may seem silly or not that big of a deal especially if you have never been overweight. But for me, they are huge. I think it is important to not only acknowledge these little milestones but to revel in them. As a fat person, you spend so much time being down on yourself that it becomes second nature. Now it’s time to learn to love my accomplishments no matter how small. Each one makes it a little easier to keep on the straight and narrow. To keep changing and growing…growing smaller that is.

Healthy Camping?

2010-06-25T12:22:00.000-07:00

Just putting those two words together seems wrong. Camping has always meant s’mores, donuts, chips, hamburgers, hot dogs, candy, soda (when I was younger), alcohol (now…LOL), etc. You aren’t supposed to diet while you are camping. You are supposed to party and have fun, and we all know that dieting is not fun!! Until recently, camping was synonymous with “free-for-all” to me. Everything was okay to eat because I was camping! That may not make sense to some of you but that is how my brain works. Scary, huh?..LOL

I’ve had to change the way I view camping since I’ve started this journey. Having fun doesn’t have to mean eating bad. The “fun” I have shouldn’t revolve around the food I eat. It should revolve around the people I’m with and the activities we do.
I’ve cut out all the junk and changed a few things.

Here's how I'm dealing with being healthy while camping...

• We still have hamburgers and hot dogs we just buy the turkey variety and use Sandwich Thins instead of regular buns. (Those Oroweat Sandwich Thins are awesome and only 1 point for the whole bun.)

• I keep a bowl of fruit on the table in the trailer and I bought a big bag of frozen fruit to have for dessert. Soooo yummy!!

• Veggie kabobs are one of Rob’s favorites so we have those at dinner each night. Chop up veggies (we uses onion, different colored peppers, mushrooms, zucchini and yellow squash) and put on skewers. Spray with olive oil cooking spray, sprinkle on the seasoning of your choice and grill. Really delicious.

• Also have salads. They are fresh and light in calories.

• Breakfasts revolve around egg burritos made with whole wheat tortillas and pancakes with sugar-free syrup (Mrs. Butterworth makes a good one).

• For a sweet treat, I bring yogurt and fat-free sugar-free puddings. I’m also going to bring some Mock Ice Cream Sandwiches (2 tbsp Cool Whip Lite or Free between two graham crackers then freeze and wrap separately in tin foil).

• Water…lots of water. I also bought about 5 boxes of the individual sugar-free low calorie drink mixes. Shakes it up a little bit without adding the sodium or calories of soda.

• Alcohol always leads to tequila. LOL I found a lite margarita mix at Walmart that is only 10 calories per 4 oz serving which means I can have a 6 oz margarita for 2 points. My idea of heaven. I’ll let you all know how it tastes.

Camping can be healthy. It really can and I think I’ve almost convinced myself of that…LOL

I DID IT!!!

2010-06-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

I am happy to report that I have finished the 6 week challenge on EA Sports Personal Trainer More Workouts today. That means I worked out 4-6 times per week for the 6 weeks. I can’t believe I did it. I’m so proud I could burst!!

What did I learn during this challenge?

• I can actually exercise. I won’t die if I move…LOL Seriously, I can do it. Do I love it? No, not really but I’m definitely beginning to develop a crush on it.

• I hate squats and lunges. They are the devil’s tool. But I will grudgingly admit that they work. I’ve noticed that I don’t have to think before I get up from a sitting position anymore. Moving is coming more naturally. I also noticed I can climb stairs and I don’t feel like dying when I reach the top. I also can tighten muscles in my butt I don’t even remember having…LOL

• I love doing bicep curls. I feel so powerful when I do them. I know, it’s weird…LOL

• Shoulder exercises are a bitch. Plain and simple but they are necessary and I will do them.

• Jogging lightly in place actually gets my blood pumping instead of killing me like I believed it would.

• I really like aerobics and now I want to buy a Jazzercise DVD. Remember Jazzercise? I forgot how much I liked it back in the ‘80s.

• Cardio-boxing is my ideal workout. I love punching! Sparring is so much fun and I love hitting the targets. I still need to work on my body movements (moving left, right and ducking down) but I find the whole exercise exhilarating. And it is a great way to work off a bad mood!

Overall, I realized that exercising does make me feel better physically and mentally. I feel good when I’m done with a workout. I have a sense of pride in my accomplishment even though I will moan and groan about it. I know I can do this and I know that exercising is going to help me reach my goal. I will be not only physically smaller but stronger. I like stronger!

On Tuesday, I will be starting the 6 week challenge over again at a higher intensity. And I’ll be picking up a Jazzercise DVD or two.

I recommend the EA Sports Personal Trainer Wii games to anyone who wants to start exercising again. It's fun, interactive, and best of all, it works at your fitness level.

Fair warning…you will become addicted!

Another Wednesday, Another Weigh-In

2010-06-23T11:06:00.000-07:00

Well, it was just an okay weigh-in. I’ve lost another pound and that puts me at 22 lbs lost. I wish it was a little more but it is better than gaining, right? So I’ll just have to be happy with that. I also took my measurements today. That is something I really need to do when I have such a small weight loss to keep up my momentum. Otherwise, I just feel like I did all this work for nothing and that is so depressing. And since I’m an emotional eater, depression leads to chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

As of today, I have lost the following inches:

Chest – 5” (and no I didn’t lose my boobs…just the back fat..LOL)

Waist – 2.5”

Hips – 1” (yep, those hips are so hard to lose)

Thighs – 1.5”

Arms – 2.5”

As you can see, I’m losing inches much faster in my upper body than in my lower. That is par for the course. I’ve always carried my weight in my hips and thighs. I’m going to work on toning those but I’m realistic enough to know that losing weight in those areas is definitely going to be harder.

I’m also going to take solace in the fact that I put on some work clothes for an interview this week and they fit better than they ever have and were even a little loose.

I won’t be discouraged. I won’t be discouraged. I won’t be discouraged. (Yep, my mantra for the day). Next week will be even better.

The Joy of a Bubble Bath

2010-06-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

I have always loved taking baths. Nice, long, hot bubble baths have always been a favorite. A perfect go-to gift for me was always bath supplies: bubble bath, scented soaps, bath salts, etc. You name it and I loved it. I even read Of Mice and Men in the bath when I was in high school. Yes, the entire novel in one sitting. As I mentioned before, I am a water baby and be it a lake, river, the ocean, pool or even a bath, I want in it.

As I got bigger, baths became a part of my past. Something else I let the “fat” take away from me. My last apartment where I lived alone didn’t have a bath..only a shower. It was a rough adjustment but worth the sacrifice since I could afford the rent and it was in a nice neighborhood. Then when we moved to Bakersfield and I finally had a bath again, I was much, much bigger. After all the anticipation of waiting for our house to be built with my oval tub in the bathroom, it was quite a letdown when I got in it. I was too big. I wasn’t comfortable and getting out was a nightmare. After two years without a bath in my apartment, this wasn’t what I remembered or wanted. That was 6 1/2 years ago. It was horrible and I haven’t taken another bath since.

Until tonight. I finally said “Screw it”. I grabbed my book, the Vanilla Frosting bubble bath (which I bought for the kids…LOL), locked the bedroom door and filled up the tub. I slipped into the tub and it was….DELIGHTFUL!! HEAVENLY!! Exactly what I needed. I was able to relax, let my worries go, dove into a book and just let my muscles soak in the warm water. I spent a wonderful hour in the bathtub and it felt like coming home.

Yeah, it was a little uncomfortable but not as bad as I remembered from that long ago time. The oval tub is actually quite awesome and fits someone my size a little better. Getting up was also easier than I remembered but that is probably due to the fact that I workout now and actually have some muscles under this fat to help lift myself up. Sure, I’m looking forward to being in the bath again when I’m smaller but I’m not willing to wait anymore. I’m not willing to give up anything anymore. I’m taking my bath-time back!!

There was really only one problem…

…I NEED A BATH PILLOW!!! LOL

My Weight Issues and My Kids

2010-06-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

I’ve been overweight for most of my life and so has my hubby. One of my greatest fears has always been that our children will end up overweight as well. Let’s face it, they most definitely did not hit the genetic jackpot when it comes to weight. Chances are pretty good that they will have a weight problem and that has worried me since they were born. I don’t want my children to go through the emotional and physical issues that I have to deal with because I’m obese. I don’t want them to sit on the sidelines in school because of their weight. I want them to experience all the things I didn’t…like prom, high school dating, fitting in, etc. And I don’t want them to be teased because of their weight. Life is hard enough when you get older. I want them to enjoy their childhood and teen years…well, as much as possible with puberty in the mix…LOL I will do everything I can to protect them from making my mistakes. And sometimes I’ve gone too far with it.

I’ve been very careful about what they are allowed to eat. I was especially vigilant until a little more than a year ago when the therapist I was seeing at the time pointed out that my issues with food and overeating are MY issues and not my childrens’. She told me that it wasn’t fair of me to put my issues on them and that I needed to approach the situation differently. She pointed out that being so strict with my kids was going to push them towards food and not away from it. I was making food too big of a part of their lives because I was so focused on it. I needed to teach them that food is just fuel for the body.

I was shocked and I realized that she was right. I started crying in her office because I thought everything I was doing was right but I was actually harming my children. I made a decision there and then that I would change how I approached food when it comes to what they eat. That I would help them realize that food is just food, to learn to eat when they are hungry and to stop when they are full, and to make healthy choices with the occasional treat.

I am not as strict anymore. I still don’t allow the kids to get food out of the pantry or the fridge without asking. I stock up on fruit, yogurt, and sugar-free fat-free jello and pudding. Believe it or not, but my kids actually prefer yogurt over lots of sweet treats. They eat wheat bread instead of white and they like brown rice. My daughter loves veggies but I have to bribe my son to eat them by putting a little low fat ranch dressing on them. Hey, I'm not above bribery...LO They don’t have to clean their plates to have dessert but they do have to make an effort to eat a little of everything. And soda is still a no-no but they can have all the Crystal Light they can drink. I have been making their chocolate milk with sugar-free syrup and they have no idea it's sugar-free. And this is how I want them to grow up. I want them to make smart choices as a way of life.

Don’t get me wrong. They still want candy, cookies, etc. I just give them other options to choose from and it seems to be working.

Plus, isn’t that what grandparents are for? LOL (yes, Mom, I mean you!! LOL)

The Wedding Dilemma

2010-06-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

“My friend So-And-So is getting married and we’ve been invited” were the words that left my hubby’s mouth.

Those words set loose a storm of emotions. Anxiety set in and started messing with my head. I’m not a social creature to begin with (very shy unless I know everyone at the party) and since I’ve put on this weight it’s only gotten worse. Now I have to go to a party with a large group of people I don’t really know. So many thoughts ran rampant through my brain from “How do I get out of this?” to “Oh no! My hubby’s friends are going to see his fat wife!” Like his friends haven’t seen me or pictures of me. (And she is back. “Hello, Little Fat Girl. You are having a field day with this one, aren’t you?” Yes, she is never gone for long. Sigh.)

After the initial panic was over I realized it was time to shut that Little Fat Girl up. I have to suck it up and just accept we are going to the wedding. This is my husband’s childhood friend and I won’t let my hang-ups make him miss this. That was actually easier than I thought. I’m getting stronger than that Little Fat Girl every day!

My next thoughts were wholly female. “Oh crap…now I have to dress up” which was quickly followed by “I have nothing to wear!” I immediately told my hubby that I needed to go shopping. Any excuse to shop, right?..LOL He made that face (you know the one they make whenever we mention shopping. …LOL) and told me that I have plenty of clothes in my closet. I hate when he says that but I will admit he is absolutely right. I do have lots and lots of clothes. Matter of fact, I have tons of clothes in my closet, in boxes under my bed and in the garage. Unfortunately, the majority of them don’t fit and those that do are tight and uncomfortable.

Or so I thought! I decided to try on some of my cuter tops yesterday just to see if I could find anything to wear. Imagine my surprise when the largest size in my closet wasn’t too tight anymore. When it actually fit the way it was supposed to or was even….could it possibly be true?....too big!! Yippee!! Another sign that what I’m doing is working. Imagine how everything will fit when it gets closer to the wedding and I’ve dropped some more weight and shaved a few more inches off of my body.

There are definitely some cute outfits in my closet that I can wear to the wedding so the “What to wear” question has been answered. The best part is I don’t have to settle for the only thing I can fit into and actually have some options for a change. I like this. I like this a lot! But the shopaholic in me can’t help thinking…

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I did have to buy a new outfit for the wedding because everything in my closet was too big instead of too small? LOL

The Big Splash...Not Really...LOL

2010-06-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

Summer is here and so is the heat. Bakersfield is hot, hot, hot!! The best way to cool off is to get in the water. Something I usually try to avoid because of my weight. (I mean, come on, you saw that one coming right? LOL) I’d rather be hot and miserable than let people see how big I am. It’s not like I’m getting in a bikini or a swimsuit at all. I swim in cotton capris and a t-shirt for goodness’ sake. But still the thought of people looking at me freaks me out. Well, I should say it did freak me out. Since I started this blog and put my weight out there for all to see, I’m not as self-conscious about it anymore. I feel so liberated!

A good friend of mine invited a group of moms over with their kids for a little swim party yesterday. It was so great to get together with everyone and to see all the kids playing. Everyone was having so much fun. Robby, my son, was in the pool swimming away in his life vest. Lili, my daughter, wanted to get in the water as well but she needs me in there with her. I knew I was going to have go swimming and I was looking forward to it. I love to swim!

And then the time came to get in the pool. She has a beautiful pool surrounded by rocks on one side but there isn’t a railing to hold onto when you get in. I’m already clumsy naturally but add in an extra 160+ lbs on my frame and I’m a disaster waiting to happen. I debated trying to awkwardly walk into the pool and pray I don’t fall on my ample derriere. Then I thought I could jump into the pool and just get it over with. Problem with that was jumping into a pool is not something a fat person really wants to do. You have the “everybody watching me” problem along with the idea that you may just push all of the water out of the pool when you jump in. Of course that is an exaggeration of immense proportions but its part of the mind games you play with yourself. And top all of that off with the thought of “What if I can’t jump out far enough and bang my head on the side of the pool?”…Really? Come on!! All you have to do is take a big step off. You don’t have to jump 5 feet! Jeesh, my inner fat girl is so annoying!

I pushed all that negativity aside and I did it! I jumped into the pool! I can’t remember the last time I did that. And it was AWESOME! I felt like a kid again. I felt young and happy and free. It made me laugh like a loon. I enjoyed it so much that I did again…LOL Of course, I had to warn everyone who was sitting on the side of the pool that I may make a big splash and apologized ahead of time. (Self-deprecating talk is a habit that is so hard to break but I’m working on it.) By the way, I didn’t even really make a big splash according to my audience.

I proceeded to spend the better part of 3 hours in the pool just swimming, floating, treading water (all with a 35 lb weight on my back named Lili..LOL) I remembered why I loved the water so much and what a water-baby I truly am no matter how much I weigh. It was a wonderful way to spend the day and I plan to do it more often this summer…whether in a pool or a lake. I’m gonna get my swim on again!

It's Party Time!!

2010-06-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

I finally broke the 20 lb barrier today. I’m down another 2 lbs this week which puts me at 21 lbs lost. I can’t remember the last time that happened. It’s been so long since anything I’ve done has really worked that I think I am in shock…LOL.

Over the past 8 years, I’ve done the same yo-yo dieting I’ve done for most of my life. You know the drill…10 lbs off, 20 lbs back on. As you can tell, it didn’t work out very well. I just kept getting heavier and heavier.

I think the difference from those other times and this time is pretty easy to decipher.

• This is NOT a diet. It’s a way of life. You don’t get a time out because you are celebrating or on vacation. It’s about being responsible for what you eat and making good choices throughout the day. I am finally taking responsibility for what I put in my mouth!

• There is not a miracle in the offing. I will not drop 20 lbs in a week. As much as I’d like that, it just ain’t going to happen. As I’ve stated earlier in this blog, it took me 8 years to put this weight on and I’ll be lucky to get it off in 2 years.

• Also, I’ve accepted, albeit reluctantly (LOL), that exercise is an important component to weight loss and good health. I have to move my body more to build muscle which in turns ups my almost non-existent metabolism. No matter how hard I have fought it over the years, I have to exercise.

• I’m not hiding it. I put it all out there and that in and of itself was extremely freeing. I feel like I’ve taken all of this pressure off of myself and can now concentrate on the important part….getting healthy.

Now I just have to keep reminding myself of all of the above things. Each day is a struggle and that won’t change but it can become easier. And these little victories and milestones, make it all worthwhile.

Oh and yes, I did a little happy dance in the bathroom this morning..LOL

Thank the Heavens for Taco Bell

2010-06-16T09:38:00.000-07:00

I miss fast food. I don’t miss the calories and the fat that it seems to deposit directly on my thighs but I do miss the ease and convenience of it. Some days it is just easier to stop and grab something than it is to make it when you get home. I know I have to watch myself because I do like “easy” and I will keep stopping and grabbing if I let myself (which is abundantly clear…you don’t get fat by eating healthy, made at home food…LOL) So, it has become a treat when I’m just swamped running errands with my two little monsters.

Take today for instance, we went to the park, to the bank and to a couple of stores for Father’s Day stuff (not saying what…that is a surprise..LOL). By the time we were heading home, the kids were hot and cranky and so was I. Plus, I was starving!! The kids ate while we were out but I was being good and didn’t have anything other than a drink.

And like manna from heaven, I spied the Taco Bell sign on the side of the road. That is the one fast food place I will allow myself to go because of their fresco menu. If you haven’t tried it yet, you really should. Fresco style is delicious! They remove the cheese and sour cream and add salsa to the items. The best part is that the crunchy tacos fresco style are only 3 points each on WW!! They are cheap, satisfying , delicious, and I don’t feel guilty at all.

Thank you, Taco Bell! And I think I love you…..

The Little Fat Girl Inside

2010-06-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

Do you have that voice inside that tells you it’s okay to skip exercising, eat the entire chocolate cake, have that extra bowl of ice cream? I do. I think of her as the little fat girl inside of me. She causes so many problems. I thought I had her under control. Silly me…sigh.

Saturday night/Sunday morning I had a little binge. I gobbled down 4 Mock Ice Cream Sandwiches one after the other (cool whip, chocolate pudding, graham crackers). They are only 2 points each on WW. Normally, not bad at all but since my points had just rolled over for the next day, I was going to lose 8 points right off the bat. I really didn’t want that. And the little b**** made her appearance and started whispering her snide comments to me:

“Just don’t put them down. No one will know.”

“Ohmigosh..you ate FOUR of them. Everyone will know you are a pig.”

“Don’t tell, don’t tell, don’t tell.”

Oh, I hate her! These are the same things she has always whispered to me my entire life. She is the reason I dealt with my emotions by eating in secret. Why I ate spoonfuls of sugar right out of the jar when my parents left the house as a kid. Ate 6 donuts in a row and hid the box. Ate a huge fast food meal and hid the bags. She has always been there telling me to hide, hide, hide. Don’t let anyone know. Telling me how horrible I am all the while encouraging me to do it. She is the personification of my eating disorder…I am a binge eater. The eating disorder specialist I was referred to while being treated for post-partum depression diagnosed me. Not that I didn’t already know. I might have hidden it from others but I know what I’ve eaten and how I eat it.

But there was as difference this time. I decided I wasn’t going to listen to her. I had done really well over the last few months. I didn’t binge at all and I was meticulous about journaling everything I ate. I was acknowledging what I ate on a daily basis. No more secret eating. No more hiding. That was over. I was in charge in now…not that fat little girl.

I reminded myself that WW is about acknowledging what you eat and making good choices. I can have anything I want to eat. Nothing is off-limits (or illegal, as my hubby says..LOL). I just have to accept responsibility for what I eat. And the only person I was cheating if I lied about it or ignored what I ate was me. So I wrote it down and subtracted my points. And with each point I subtracted, I pushed that fat little girl further away. I shackled her. I gagged her. I locked her away in a closet in my mind.

And I felt good! I didn’t fall back into a bad habit with an old friend. I was proud of myself. Now, I’m not fooling myself. I know she isn’t gone for long and somehow she will escape her shackles and be back to whisper in my ear during my next weak moment. But I know I can handle her now. She is no match for me! Bring it on baby!

"When I grow up....

2010-06-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

….I wanna be an old woman.” Do you remember hearing that song on TV? I don’t remember what commercial but I sure do remember that song. It pops into my head at what I thought were random moments until I realized it is usually when some part of my body hurts. Aches and pains I shouldn’t be experiencing yet because I’m too damn young! But thanks to all the fat I’ve accumulated, I’m getting those aches and pains. My knees, my shoulders, my elbows…pretty much all my joints ache. I hate the fact that I hurt all the time, but why wouldn’t I? Think about all the added pressure my poor body has to handle. If a thin person strapped on 200 lbs of weights they wouldn’t be able to move let alone go about their day and that is exactly what I put my body through on a daily basis. I’m lucky it still works at all!

A lot of body parts ache when you are fat. Sometimes you don’t even notice because they are just a part of your life. So commonplace…nothing special. But they should be special and cause some concern. Those aches and pains are my body’s way of saying “Hey, lay off the ice cream, chica!”

My feet were one of those areas I didn’t realize were hurting until someone asked me if I have foot problems. Ever since then I feel each and every ache in my feet. Especially when I get up in the morning. OUCH!! I’m too young for this crap!! I truly am. I am only 38 years old. My grandfather is 91 years old, God bless him. That means If I’m lucky, I could be looking at another 53 years…53 years that I want…53 years to see my children grow into adults and have families of their own…53 years to LIVE!!

I will happily report that since I’ve started exercising the aches have lessened…especially in my feet. I’m moving easier and while the 19 lb weight loss definitely helps, I truly believe the exercising is the key. So every time that lazy girl inside whispers “I don’t want to exercise today”, “I don’t have time to do it”, “I’m just too tired”, I find myself singing…

“When I grow up, I wanna be an old woman.”

The Most Boring of all Meats

2010-06-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

When I hear ground turkey, I think “Blah”. There is nothing wrong with it except its total and complete lack of flavor. It is so boring! And look at it. It’s so pale…it just screams tasteless. I know, I know, I know….(great big sigh) Turkey is one of the healthier meat choices and therefore we must suffer with its mediocrity.

And suffer I would, I thought. Suffer for the cause of better health. Then I found the best turkey meatloaf recipe ever!! Let me first explain that I LOVE meatloaf. It is my favorite dish from childhood. It’s the one thing I ask for when I go home to visit without fail. Nothing beats my Mom’s meatloaf, nothing. But thanks to Bethenny Frankel, I found a healthy substitute that comes really, really close. It is called the Comfort Turkey Meatloaf and it’s on her website (www.bethenny.com). Yes, she is one of those Housewives from New York. She is actually my favorite housewife and despite what Kelly says, quite the chef….LOL (Okay, if you watch the show, you got that…LOL)

Okay, back to the meatloaf. It is so good that my hubby asked me what kind of meat it was because he knows we rarely eat ground beef anymore. He couldn’t tell it was turkey, and really, isn’t that the point?...LOL The garlic, onion, parsley, rosemary, thyme, Dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce, and ketchup give the meat so much flavor. And like all meatloaf, it is good the next day for sandwiches (guess what I'm having for lunch today?...LOL)

Best part is that it makes 8 good-sized servings and each serving is only 5 points on WW. Makes me so happy!

Hope you try it and let me know what you think!

I'm a Foodie

2010-06-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

I’m sure you all are thinking that isn’t surprising since I’m fat. But the truth is, I was never a foodie before. I never loved food. I ate for emotional reasons. And sure food tastes good but it was never about that for me. It was never about the preparation, presentation or flavor. It was about what would fill that emotional hole in the fastest way.

I’ve come to the realization that I have recently become obsessed with food in all its glory. I watch cooking shows, look for recipes, and talk about it all the time. To my husband, my mom, my sister, my bestie, Siomara, my in-laws..everyone. It occupies my mind all the time. When I realized the extent I was thinking about food, I had to stop and wonder if this was healthy. Was this obsession with food a positive or negative in regards to the journey I’ve embarked on?

All evidence points to it being a positive force on my journey. I am actually thinking about what I’m eating and not just mindlessly shoving food in like I’ve been known to do. It takes no thought on my part to eat badly. It’s second nature and something I’ve spent years perfecting. Eating right is new to me. I have to retrain myself to eat throughout the day and not gorge. That training requires that I plan meals…what to eat and how to cook it. It also requires learning new cooking techniques to prepare food in a healthy way but also so that it is flavorful. I’m even growing some of my own herbs and learning the difference fresh herbs can make in a dish. (Okay for all those who just scoffed in disbelief…my hubby is doing the actual gardening…LOL) I’m learning how to make good choices so that I stay within my WW points during the day. I’m also learning how to splurge on one thing and realize that I need to cut it somewhere else to make up for the splurge. That is the hardest lesson…each choice has consequences.

None of this is easy. It requires effort to change a lifetime of thinking or actually NOT thinking about food.

So, yeah…I’m a foodie.

The SkinnyBee Margarita

2010-06-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

I love tequila! For those of you who know me and partied with me before my marriage, you know that is a true statement. I love tequila in all its forms from shots to margaritas. Unfortunately, alcohol doesn’t like me as much. It likes to pack the pounds on me. You can undo all the hard work you’ve put into eating right during the day by having a few drinks. So, I’ve stopped drinking. Not completely. I just don’t drink often anymore.

My hubby and I went out to dinner this week for an adult-only dinner. You fellow parents know how rare and precious those dinners are…LOL I researched the menu at Applebee’s and made all my choices before I got there so I would stay within my WW points. I decided I wanted to use some of my precious points on a drink. I used the interactive cheat sheet on WW online and discovered that the best value for your points is a Bloody Mary. Not my favorite drink, but I do like them. And they are only 2 points. The decision was made. That was what I was getting and I couldn’t wait!

We get to Applebee’s and I order my drink before I open the menu. I'm not stupid! I sure didn’t trust myself not to change my mind when I saw those scrumptious pictures of frosty, salt-rimmed margaritas. As my husband ordered his, I finally looked at my menu and caught a quick glimpse of utopia in 4 beautiful words...…SkinnyBee Margarita…100 Calories. Oh my, yummy!! I quickly looked up the point value on my phone and it was also 2 points on WW. I figured it would be small or not taste as good as a regular margarita but I was willing to try it because I miss my tequila.

I was very happy when I saw it. No, it wasn’t as big as a regular margarita but it was definitely a decent amount. It was in a tall, frosty glass. I took my first drink and a smile lit up my face. It was delicious!! No, it is not a regular margarita but it is pretty darn close and definitely good enough to use 2 precious WW points on.

Thank you Applebee’s!!!! You have won my undying love and devotion.

Today I Ran...yup, I did...LOL

2010-06-11T16:44:00.000-07:00

Today I ran. Actually, it was definitely more of a slow, awkward jog to the end of my block. I’m sure it wasn’t pretty…LOL I couldn’t make it back but I did make it there. I was embarrassed when I started. I didn’t want people to see me running. But then I realized, what in the world do I care what other people think of me jogging?!! Sometimes I let these faceless people make the most important decisions in my life. I need to stop that. I need to be the one in charge of these decisions.

So I ran with my kids. It was fun and I was proud of myself. My knees hurt during it and that’s not really a surprise, is it? They are carrying a bunch of weight on them. I expect more than my body can give sometimes. And when we were heading back to the house, my two-year old turned around and said “Come on. Run, Mommy.” I wish I could have run more with her and her brother. I really wanted to…but I definitely had to bow out. Told her I would do a fast walk back which I did.

I can’t remember the last time I ran anywhere. Heck, I didn’t like to run in high school. I always bowed out and volunteered to write the times down for Mr. Prince (and maybe add a few points to my grade while I had the book….I really hated PE but loved Mr. Prince..LOL).

I think it is time that I rethink my views on running/jogging. It’s time I change a little more. This little outing to get the mail with the kids has brought me to a new goal. I want to be able to run around the block by the end of summer. Wish me luck!

Healthy vs. Skinny

2010-06-11T12:08:00.000-07:00

You may wonder why this is a fat chick’s journey to health and not to thin or skinny. You can never be too rich or too thin, right? Being skinny or thin is THE dream of every fat person in the world. Isn’t it?

I thought a lot about that and the truth of the matter is I will never be skinny or thin. I’m not built that way. A size 2 is something that is so far out of my realm of reality. Even when I lost all my weight before, I never referred to myself as skinny or thin. That just isn’t me. I will say “smaller”. Here are some body basics for me: I will always have boobs, booty and thighs. I will always be curvy, voluptuous, whatever you want to call it. It’s who I am and I’m okay with that. The size of the average woman in the USA is a 14. I would love to be a 14! Heck, at this point an 18 seems incredible. I’m not setting myself up for failure by dreaming of the day I will wear a size 2. But a size 10?...Now that’s the dream for me. :-)

The Picture Crisis

2010-06-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

I was looking for a picture of myself to post on this blog. I hate pictures of me. I hate seeing what I look like and how big I have become. And that is pretty obvious considering how very few pictures of me I had to choose from. When you are fat, you avoid the camera like the plague. You always know who has the camera or video camera. You can dodge and dash with the best of them when the cameras come into play. I’ve gotten remarkably good at it. We don’t have any family pictures taken of us with our children, which is a shame. There are very few pics of me with my children when they were babies. Yet another way I’ve allowed fat to rule my life. Moments I won’t get back. So this is the one I found. This is me in all my glory. Well, as much as you can see. You can clearly see I’m hiding behind the kids and the island the best I can. Pitiful…LOL

I’ve made myself a promise. In a year or so, this will be the picture I point to and say “This was me before I decided to take control of my health.”

"Fat" Habits

2010-06-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

I was doing laundry today and it dawned on me how many habits there are that fat people use to cope with everyday situations. Habits that perpetuate the fat lifestyle we are leading. For example, I always automatically without even thinking about it pick a table over a booth at a restaurant. And if I don’t want to make an issue about picking a table and get stuck with a booth, I will try to be the first person at the booth so I can pick the widest side of the booth to sit on regardless of who I am with. Time to face facts here…ugh I hate this part… I am usually the biggest person there anyway, including my husband. Yep, I just admitted. I am freaking bigger than my husband who is a big guy anyway. Crap, this whole honesty thing may just kill me yet…LOL

Okay, I digress. Back to fat habits. I may be writing about these occasionally as I face them myself and try to change them. The one I faced today was a laundry habit. Hanging clothes to dry. When you are fat you tend to hang as much stuff as possible regardless of the care label on the clothing. You don’t want it to shrink even a little bit because that may mean you needed to buy a bigger size in the first place or have just plain outgrown the one you are wearing now. You don’t admit those are the reasons. You come up with a lot of other reasons…the material is really too delicate and they messed up the care instructions (oh, yeah, right…LOL), you don’t want the color to fade, it’s cheaper, etc. So you hang them…lots of them. For a while there, you could barely get into our bathroom because of the amount of clothes that were hanging up to dry.

Well, unless the care label says to hang dry, I’m not going to do it anymore. Most items don’t shrink in the dryer anymore and if they do it’s a negligible amount. Sure, they may feel tighter when they come out of the dryer. That’s normal and they usually loosen up as you wear them. And if they don’t, well, chances are pretty good it isn’t the dryer’s fault...it may be that Mud Pie I ate at Elephant Bar (1100 freaking calories people…I looked It up!!). It’s up to me to make sure my clothes don’t get tight by eating right and exercising. Actually it’s up to me to make them loose so I can indulge my shopping habit and buy some new clothes in a smaller size!!

The Journey Begins

2010-06-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

Realized I don’t want to be fat anymore – check.

Understand that the key to losing weight is eating less calories than I burn – check.

Now what?

I needed a plan. What can I do to help myself? Well, I control (yep that word again…LOL) the grocery shopping, so no more crap. No more donuts, pop tarts, ice cream, chips, etc. No more fast food.

I decided to start with the South Beach diet. Yes, I know it is not a permanent solution but I wasn’t looking for one. I needed something to start me off. Something to help with the cravings and SBD does work for that. I did it for 2 ½ weeks...no carbs – meaning no bread, rice, pasta, etc. Just concentrated on meat, veggies and good fats. I lost 9 lbs during that time. It was a great start. And while I know I’m going to get impatient (patience is NOT one of my virtues and I’m very clear on that), it took me 8 years to put this weight on so I won’t take it off in 8 days…or even 8 months. Something I have to remind myself of often. I have 169 lbs to lose to hit my goal weight of 175 lbs. I may go lower after that but I’m happy at that weight. I have a naturally athletic frame (even though I’m in no way athletic) so I can wear a size 10 or 12 at that weight. Compared to the 28 I currently wear, that is an awesome idea.

Back to SBD. It did what I needed during that 2 ½ weeks. Got me back on veggies which I love and fish. I stopped craving sweets so badly. I can’t live this way and I know it. I realized a lot of people I know are on Weight Watchers and doing well with it. I decided to try that again, but use the online version because I don’t have the time or the inclination to go to meetings. I have two babies at home and just don’t want to have to juggle meetings in my schedule. Signed up for WW online and now it’s time to get down to exercise.

Enter the Wii. The best thing since sliced bread, as far as I’m concerned. I can exercise in my house at my own pace and my workout changes all the time. I love the EA Sports Personal Trainer and the sequel More Workouts. They are great and I can do a variety of exercises. Also can workout as long as I want which changes day to day. Some days it’s 20 minutes and other days it is 60 minutes.

I’ve been on WW for 5 weeks now and I’m down a total of 19 lbs. I fit in clothes I haven’t been able to wear in a while. Even wearing denim on days I’m staying home just because I can comfortably wear them all day. Threw the hubby for a loop last weekend. He saw me in my denim capris and asked where I was going. That made me laugh because he is so used to seeing me in sweats at home. The only time I would struggle into my jeans was if we was going out of the house. I told him I was wearing them because I could. And damn if I didn’t keep those pants on until 10pm that night. LOL

Results so far are good. I can stand up from a sitting position without thinking about it first. I move differently. I can feel muscles move that I forgot I had. I can exercise and feel good about it. It’s still a struggle to get going some days because I don’t like to exercise, but once it’s done…wow. I feel good. Those experts that say you feel better after exercising may have been right…damn them! LOL

Now that you are all caught up with where I’m at, this blog will be different. More about the day to day struggles and triumphs. I’m hoping this will keep me honest…keep me motivated…and maybe help someone else out there realize they are not alone.

Hello, I'm Fat.

2010-06-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

Blogging about my weight…probably the weirdest thing I’ve ever done. Also, extremely uncomfortable. When you are fat, you spend all your time trying to hide it (even though in my case it’s ridiculous to think it’s hidden). Openly talking about it feels weird, wrong, …forbidden. But I think that is probably part of the problem itself. If I don’t talk about it and no one else talks about, then I can pretend it’s not there. Which is a probably a huge part of why I find myself where I’m at right now…a very overweight 38 year old woman.

Most people don’t think about it this way but when you are fat you are very self-centered. Everything becomes about your weight…well, since I’m writing this, about my weight. Taking the kids to see Disney on Ice becomes less about the kids and more about “Will I fit in the seat?”. A family trip to Disneyland is no longer about enjoying a fabulous vacation with your family and more about “Will I fit in any of the rides? How do I avoid even trying?” Camping is a nightmare of immense proportions. Sitting at picnic tables which are uncomfortable and difficult to get into but are really the only choice because the thought of breaking another camping chair is paralyzing (been there, done that…too embarrassing). Sleeping on an air mattress in a tent is fine when sleeping but having to get off it is a chore especially in the middle of the night when you have to go to the bathroom. Dressing in a small space when your body takes up most of it, is annoying and downright difficult. Even something as simple as riding in someone else’s vehicle takes on mammoth proportions of importance because what if the seatbelt doesn’t fit? And airplanes are just out of the question.

You learn to adjust to all of these situations. You learn to adapt to try to make it less difficult, but the ways you have to adapt are embarrassing in and of themselves. And you never complain because complaining would draw attention to it. So, you end up angry and miserable and just wish you could stay at home where you are safe.

And if you are like me, those feelings of anger and embarrassment are difficult to process, so you eat. Eat to drown them out, eat to feel better, eat because it is easy and nothing else in your life is.

That’s been my life for the last 8 years. I’ve gotten married during that time period, had two children, bought a house, a new car, a trailer, toys, etc. Had good and bad times…and dealt with all of it by eating. I’m an emotional eater. Not really a surprise, considering I can look back at my life and pinpoint the exact tragic moment when food became the thing I turned to for comfort. And I’ve carried that on for 24 years. I’ve let it rule my life. I had a nice stretch from ’97 to ’01 when I was healthy and much smaller. I was in control for a while. Even went to my 10 year high school reunion smaller than when I was a freshman (and yes that was FABULOUS!!) but I missed my 20 year because no way was I going back bigger than I’d ever been. Another part of life that passed me by because I was too fat.
I was laid off from my job In November 2009 after the bank I was working at failed and was shut down. Not only did I lose my job but I lost my health insurance. I had just started the WLS program at Kaiser and was due to have bariatric surgery in February or March of this year. That was no longer an option since I was uninsured and couldn’t afford the insurance on my own. That, of course, sent me into a downward spiral and I managed to gain 6 more lbs during the time I’ve been off. Just what I needed…I was now up to 344 lbs. (Ohmigosh, did I actually just write that and put it out for everyone to see?!! I may be sick!) I was miserable about my weight and how I felt. Everything took so much energy and I just didn’t want to participate in life anymore. My last chance to lose weight was gone with my job. And I discovered it is harder than ever to find a job in this job market. I have never had a hard time finding a job. Part of me feared it was not only the job market but my weight that was making that difficult. I lost all my confidence in everything. I hit rock bottom…finally.

A couple of months ago, I had an epiphany. I realized that I wasn’t being fair to myself, my husband (who has never once said a bad word about my weight…he just loves me), or my children. Especially my children who don’t deserve to have an unhealthy mom. They are still very young (2 and 4) and will need me for a very long time. I needed to get it together and I realized that I have one trait that could help me if I channeled it the right way. A trait that some consider good and some consider bad...depending on who you are in my life..LOL

I am a control-freak. Ask anyone and they will tell you I like to be in control of everything. How I had always managed to not be in control of what I ate is beyond me. I realized I couldn’t take control of losing my job or making it easy to find a job in this job market. But I can control one thing….what I put in my mouth. I don’t have a disease (Lord knows I made those doctors check over and over and over) or a medical reason to explain why I am this obese. I’m fat because I eat more calories than I burn. Simple as that.